Jose Carillo's English Forum - Language Humor at Its Finest

LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST

Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.

In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.

So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!

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A Dictionary for Women

argument
(ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, and continues until he realizes it.

airhead
(ayr•hed) n. An act you put on when pulled over for speeding.

barbeque
(bar•buh•Q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up—for the dinner he made for his friends.”

blonde jokes
(blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.

cantaloupe
(kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

clothes dryer
(kloze drI•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

diet soda
(dI•it so•duh) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

diamond
(dI-mun) n. Something you think should be on your finger but he can only see in a baseball park.

eternity
(e•ter•ni•tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

exercise
(ex•er•siz) v. Walking up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

grocery list
(grow•sree list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

hair dresser
(hare dres•er) n. A magician who creates a hair style you can never duplicate.

hardware store
(hard•wer stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space: once he goes in, he isn’t coming out any time soon.

housework
(haws•wrk) n. Work around the house including moping and washing dishes.

childbirth
(chIld•brth) n. You go through 36 hours of contractions. He holds your hand and says, “focus...breathe...push...”

lipstick
(lip•stik) n. On your lips, a color to enhance your beauty of your mouth. On his collar, a color only a tramp would wear.

park
(pahrk) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning “a place with a swing set and slide”.

patience
(pay•shuns) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

waterproof mascara
(wah•tr•pruf mas•ka•ruh) n. Mascara that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but not when you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day
(va•lun•tInz dae) n. A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

(Author: Unknown / Contributor: John Masher)

—From alphaDictionary.com’s collections of “New Meanings for Old Words”

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