Author Topic: Just Playing with Words Today for the Sheer Fun of Doing It!  (Read 24673 times)

Joe Carillo

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Just Playing with Words Today for the Sheer Fun of Doing It!
« on: February 01, 2010, 03:43:35 PM »
Just Play with Words Today for the Sheer Fun of Doing It
                                      IMAGE CREDIT: MEMEGENERATOR.NET
                                 
SHOTGUN WEDDING: A CASE OF WIFE OR DEATH.

It's one more pandemic weekend after a not-so-pleasant year-and-a-half of it, so if you and your loved ones have kept yourselves healthy and succeeded in warding off the virus, be truly grateful and take time off today to just play with words for the sheer joy of remaining alive and still kicking! The Forum offers you in retrospect its decade's-old smorgasbord of bungled puns to exercise your tongue, a handful of misstated philosophies of hypocrisy and ambiguity, a long trying-hard instructive computer proem, a zany collection of linguistic humor about women, and many, many more just thrown in with not much thought just for the heck if it! ! Go for them now and enjoy! (October 23, 2021)

FOR STARTERS:

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted—’taint yours and ’taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

—From WowFunny.com


Philosophy of Hypocrisy and Ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for “synonym”?

11. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?


—From WowFunny.com


THE COMPUTER POEM

A Computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
Window was something you hated to clean
And Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.
An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider's home
And a Virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

(Author Unknown)

—From WowFunny.com website

« Last Edit: October 23, 2021, 01:17:09 AM by Joe Carillo »

maxsims

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2010, 07:06:44 AM »
From a diagnosis given by an Australian psychiatrist:  "The patient exhibits clear physiological symptoms leading to a death trajectory."    In other words, he's going to die!

vinzvonvan

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2010, 05:24:33 PM »
This is something really  different, a funny topic and yet intellectual...!I liked it and shared some expressions to friends. :D

silverlokk

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2010, 06:40:48 PM »
I hate to ruin a joke, but the expression is "Vive La France" so "Visa La France" requires changing two letters.

<ilag>

Joe Carillo

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2010, 07:00:09 PM »
You're absolutely right, silverlokk! We should reprimand the New York Magazine editors for that invalid selection and ask them to take back the prize for "Visa La France." :o

Joe Carillo

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2010, 09:34:20 PM »
New Meanings for Old Words
(New Collection from Paul Ogden)
 
acupuncture, n. a jab well done.

adult, n. a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

beauty parlor, n. a place where women curl up and dye.

cannibal, n. someone who is fed up with people.

chicken, n. the only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.

committee, n. a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

dust, n. mud with the juice squeezed out.

egotist, n. someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

handkerchief, n. cold storage.

inflation, n. cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

mosquito, n. an insect that makes you like flies better.

raisin, n. grape with a sunburn.

secret, n. something you tell to one person at a time.

skeleton, n. a collection of bones with the person scraped off.

toothache, n. the pain that drives you to extraction.

tomorrow, n. one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

yawn, n. an honest opinion openly expressed.

wrinkle, n. something other people have; I have character lines.

***

New Meanings for alphaDictionary Good Words

abasement, n. where the furnace is located.

Barbarian, adj. belonging or related to Barbara.

hegemony, n. blending your hedgerow into your neighbor's.

physique, n. the opposite of mystique.

scurrilous, adj. in an excited state (said of mice and the like).

Copacetic, n. a relaxant that helps you cope.

oxymoron, n. someone who is as dumb as an ox.

incommodius, adj. unable to get to find a vacant bathroom in time.

infantry, n. the kid's room.

jaywalk, v. walk like a colorful bird.

malediction, n. the way men talk.

***

Doublespeak

From: Raymond Lister, originally from Clay M. Bond
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Doublespeak, Orwell_is_here!

Some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) that you all should find amusing:

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient’s chart: “Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential.”

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called “hematophagous arthropod vectors.”

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds “have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel.” In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them “vertically deployed anti-personnel devices.” You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on “non-duty, non-pay status.” That is, they were fired.

A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a “formerly single man” seeks a single or married woman.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or “processing,” as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: “We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience.” The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don’t you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

The description on the package of Stouffer’s Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains “exquisite egg pasta.” The list of ingredients, however, includes “cooked noodle product.”

In St. Louis there is an Oriental rug store that advertises “semi-antique” rugs.

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some “volunteer work” as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

Senator Orrin Hatch said that “capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”

According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a “family farm.” Their “farm” has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a “family farm” they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them “ground-mounted confirmatory route markers.” You probably call them road signs, but then you don’t work in a government agency.

It's not “elderly” or “senior citizens” anymore. Now it’s “chronologically experienced citizens.”

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of “uncontained blade liberation.”

—From Tina’s Humor Archives

***
Improving the English Language
By Anonymous

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer combinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

—From JokeCenter.com

Joe Carillo

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2010, 03:38:38 AM »
For Lexophiles Only

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
37.. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I'll go on a head.”

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

(My thanks to Forum member Max Sims for copying me this terrific mailer from his friends.)

***

Washington Post Alternative Definitions Contest
Winners for 2007

abdicate (v.),
to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

balderdash (n.),
a rapidly receding hairline.

circumvent (n.),
an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

coffee (n.),
the person upon whom one coughs.

esplanade (v.),
to attempt an explanation while drunk.

flabbergasted (adj.),
appalled over how much weight you have gained.

flatulence (n.),
emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

gargoyle (n.),
olive-flavored mouthwash.

lymph (v.),
to walk with a lisp.

negligent (adj.),
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

oyster (n.),
a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Pokemon (n.),
a Rastafarian proctologist.

rectitude (n.),
the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

testicle (n.),
a humorous question on an exam.

willy-nilly (adj.),
impotent.

And also these not-quite-words:

escalefter (n.),
someone who stands on the left side of the escalator, when he should be standing on the right.

Frisbeetarianism (n.),
the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

—From Beatrice Santorini, Linguistic Humor

Joe Carillo

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2010, 01:58:28 AM »
The Scientists' Party
(Author unknown)

Top scientists were invited to a party, and they all replied stating whether or not they could attend...

•   Ampere was worried he wasn’t current.

•   Audobon1 said he’d have to wing it.

•   Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

•   Darwin waited to see what evolved.

•   Descartes said he’d think about it.

•   Dr. Jekyll declined—he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.

•   Edison thought it would be illuminating.

•   Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

•   Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

•   Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.

•   Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

•   Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

•   Mendel said he’d put some things together and see what came out.

•   Morse’s reply: “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now, must dash."

•   Newton planned to drop in.

•   Ohm resisted the idea.

•   Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

•   Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

•   Schrodinger2 had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

•   Stephenson3 thought the whole idea was loco.

•   Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.

•   Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

•   Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

—From Thomas Bätzler, Thomas@Baetzler.de

1Audobon here is John James Audubon (1785–1851), French-American ornithologist, naturalist, hunter, and painter. He painted, catalogued, and described the birds of North America in a form far superior to what had gone before.

2Schrodinger here is Erwin Schrödinger (1887–1961, Vienna), Austrian theoretical physicist who achieved fame for his contributions to quantum mechanics and won the Nobel Prize in 1933. The cat is an allusion to Schrodinger’s cat, a thought experiment he devised to interpret quantum mechanics.

3Stephenson here refers to George Stephenson (1781–1848), English civil engineer and mechanical engineer who built the world’s first public railway line using steam locomotives. He is considered the “Father of Railways.”



Carte blanched*

Winners of a contest run by New York Magazine that asked readers to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change just one letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

Rigor morris
The cat is dead.

Respondez s’il vous plaid
Honk if you’re Scottish.

Harlez-vous Francais?
Can you drive a french motorcycle?

Veni, Vipi, Vici
I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered.

Veni, Vidi, Visa
I came, I saw, I shopped.

Cogito eggo sum
I think, therefore I am...a waffle.

Que sera serf
Life is feudal.

Leroi est mort. Jive leroi
The king is dead. No kidding.

Posh mortem
Death styles of the rich and famous

Pro bozo publico
Support your local clown.

Monage a trois
I am three years old.

Haste cuisine
Fast French food

Quip pro quo
A fast retort

Aloha oy
Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know.

Mazel ton
Tons of luck.

Visa la France
Don’t leave your chateau without it.

Carne diem
Seize the meat

-----
*Carte blanched – full discretion to turn pale.

—From Tina’s Humor Archives



FUNNY SIGNS ADVERTISING REAL-WORLD BUSINESSES

Sign on an electrician's truck:  Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop:  We are open on labor day.

Non-smoking area:  If we see you smoking we will assume you on fire and take appropriate action.                       

On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push

On a Front Door:       Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office:  If you don’t see what you're looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
                                     
Scientist's Door:      Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window:    We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window:   Time wounds all heels.

Butcher's window:      Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot:           Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Sign on Fence:         Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership:        The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop:       No appointment necessary.  We’ll hear you coming.

Hotel:                “Help!” We need inn-experienced people.

Butcher's Window:      Pleased to meat you.

Auto Body Shop:        May we have the next dents?

Sign in an office:     We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room:  Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!

The Electric Company:  We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.
                                         
Beauty Shop:      Dye now!

Garbage Truck:    We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Computer Store:   Out for a quick byte

Diner Window:     Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley:    Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria:        Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.  Socks can eat any place they want.
                         
Music Library:    Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home:     Drive carefully, we'll wait.

—Tina’s Humor Archives



Greetings You’ll Never See in Hallmark Cards

 “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
 What was I thinking?”

***
 
 “Congratulations on your wedding day!
 Too bad no one likes your wife.”
 
***

 “How could two people as beautiful you…
 have such an ugly baby?”
 
***

 “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
 After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

***
 
 “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
 I never believed in Hell until I met you.”

***
 
 “As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
 that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

***
 
 “As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me…
 Like the need for therapy.”

***
 
 “Thanks for being a part of my life!
 I never knew what evil was before this!”

***
 
 “Before you go,
 I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You’ll probably need it again.”

***
 
 “Someday I hope to get married…
 but not to you.”

***
 
 “You look great for your age…
 Almost lifelike!”

***
 
 “When we were together, you always said you’d die for me…
 Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

***
 
 “I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
 So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

***
 
 “We have been friends for a very long time…
 What do you say we call it quits?”

***
 
 “I’m so miserable without you…
 It’s almost like you’re here.”

***
 
 “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
 Did you ever find out who the father was?”

***
 
 “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
 there was only one life jacket…
 I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

***
 
 “Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday…
 So we’re having you put to sleep.”

—From JokeThing.com

Joe Carillo

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2010, 01:22:40 AM »
Some Business Rules

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

***

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

***

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

***

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

***

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he or she isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him or her again.

***

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

***

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the f_ _ _ is the ceiling?

***

My reality check bounced.

***

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

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I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

***

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

***

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

***

Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.

***

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

***

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

***

Don’t be irreplaceable—if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.

***

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

***

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

***

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Submitted by Jena M Graham to lol-jokes.com



Classified ad classics

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
 
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

***
 
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

***
 
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

***

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

***
 
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

***

Dinner Special—Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

***

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

***

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

***
 
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

***
 
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

***
 
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

***
 
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.

***
 
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

***
 
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

***
 
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

***
 
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

***
 
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

***
 
If you think you’vve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

***
 
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

***

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

***
 
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

***
 
Stock up and save. Limit: one.

***
 
Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.

***
 
We build bodies that last a lifetime.

***
 
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

***
 
For Sale—Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

***
 
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

***
 
Man, honest. Will take anything.

***
 
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

***
 
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

***
 
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

***
 
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

***
 
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

***
 
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

***
 
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

***
 
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

***
 
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

***
 
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
 
***

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

***
 
Illiterate? Write today for free help.

***
 
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

***
 
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

***
 
Mother’s helper—peasant working conditions.

***
 
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

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And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

***
 
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

—From Danielsen.com


Authentic Signages in the USA (Mostly)
 
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
Now serving live lobsters
 
On the menu of a restaurant:
Blackened bluefish
 
In a Maine restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends
 
On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law
—Sisters of Mercy

 
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot
 
In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy
 
In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center
 
On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church
 
In a funeral parlor:
Ask about our layaway plan

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks
 
Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques
 
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store:
15 men’s wool suits - $100 - They won’t last an hour!
 
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
Parking for birds only
 
In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished
 
In a laundry room:
Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage
 
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago:
Do not activate with wet hands
 
In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
Ears pierced while you wait
 
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager
 
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin:
Crap - .79/lb.
 
In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed
 
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home
 
At a number of US military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel
 
On a display of “You are my one and only” Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs
 
In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
 
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves
 
On the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission

In a library:
Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away
 
On a Tennessee highway:
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable
 
In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can’t read this, it’s time you wash your car
 
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
 
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal:
Terminal Drugs
 
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket:
If you are sitting in an exit row and cannot read this card, please tell a crew member.
 
On a delicatessen wall:
Our best is none too good
 
On a rollercoaster:
Watch your head
 
On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the
lowest possible prices and workmanship

 
In downtown Boston:
Callahan Tunnel / No end
 
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine:
Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night

—From Danielsen.com


Winners of Omni's August 1986 Pun Competition

Have you heard about the cowardly dragon that didn’t observe the Sabbath? He only preyed on weak knights.

***

The frustrated golfer drove over the river and threw the woods.

***

I refuse to converse while eating lamb. I will not mince words with ewe.

***

It’s colder than a teacher’s wit.

***

A good pun is its own reword.

***

A programmer was talking about topology and taking a rather heavy-handed viewpoint. A colleague said, “Wait a minute, there are two sides to everything,” to which he replied, “Moebius, maybe no.”

***

My husband gave me a permanent wave, and now he’s gone.

***

What do you get when you roll a hand grenade across a kitchen floor? Linoleum Blownapart!

***

Puns are just some antics.

***

We trussed each other—let our marriage knot be undone.

***

Caution! Incorrigible punster (Please don’t incorrige).

***

After Mary Poppins was done with her film she went to California and became an expert at predicting people with bad breath. Her sign read, “Super California Psychic - expert, halitosis.”

***

Two American astronomers were visiting a French observatory. One asks the other, “Comet Halley view?”

***

As the master said to his confused disciple, “That was Zen, this is Tao.”

***

Burlesque-show ad: Here The Belles Peel.

***

Boxing razes the consciousness.

***

If you don’t pay the exorcist, do you get repossessed?

***

Salutation to a tasteless punster: “Sir, I would toast you if you were better bred.”

***

It was dinnertime in Russia. Soviet.

***

Requesting more ice water in a Mexican restaurant, a man said, “Agua frio, pour some more.”

—From FortuneCity.com

Joe Carillo

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2010, 11:40:34 PM »
PUNS AND SPOONERISMS

“A waist is a terrible thing to mind.” (Jane Caminos)

“Life’s a beach, and then you dry.”

“My karma ran over my dogma.”

“A hard man is good to find.” (Mae West)

MORPHOLOGY

“Vegetarians eat vegetables—I’m a humanitarian.”

LEXICAL AMBIGUITY

“I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.” (Monica Piper)

“I still miss my ex-husband. But my aim is improving.”

“Question authority. Ask me anything.”

“It’s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” (Marilyn Monroe)

“I’m a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

“Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I.” (Anne Gibbons)

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” (Mae West)

“I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried—but they wanted cash.”

“I majored in nursing but I had to drop it because I ran out of milk.” (Judy Tenuta)

IDIOMS

“Take my advice—I'm not using it.”

“I’m over the hill, but the climb was terrific!”

“One more drink, and I'll be under the host.” (Dorothy Parker)

“Choose your words with taste. You may have to eat them.”

“Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.”

“I’d like to take you out—and leave you there.”

“To err is human but it feels divine.” (Mae West)

“My heart is as pure as the driven slush.” (Tallulah Bankhead)

“I eat junk food to get it out of the house.”

“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can one do with them?” (Amanda Lear)

“I’m so laid back I fell off.”

“You can’t judge a book by its movie.”

“George, you’re too old to get married again. Not only can’t you cut the mustard, honey, you’re too old to open the jar. (La Wanda Page to George Burns)

“A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.” (Texas Guinan)

“Bureaucrats cut red tape—lengthwise.”

“My reality check just bounced.”

“I feel like a million tonight—but one at a time.” (Mae West)

“You can name your salary here—I call mine Zelda.”

“The problem with trouble-shooting is that trouble shoots back.”

STRUCTURAL AND SCOPE AMBIGUITY

“This is not a novel to be tossed lightly aside. It should be thrown with great force.” (Dorothy Parker)

PRAGMATICS

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-three today and we don’t know where the hell she is. (Ellen Degeneres)

“This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them. (Gracie Allen)

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. (Rita Rudner)

“Don’t hate yourself in the morning—sleep till noon.”

“A woman came to ask the doctor if a woman should have children after 35. I said 35 children is enough for any woman!” (Gracie Allen)

OTHERS

“I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.” (Jane Wagner)

“I didn’t steal this. It was “differently acquired.” (Sara Cytron)

“They say you shouldn’t say nothing about the dead unless it's good. He’s dead. Good.” (Moms Mabley)

“Dyslexics of the world untie.”

“There’s not much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about. (Gracie Allen)

“When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.” (Gracie Allen)

From Roz Warren’s Glibquips: Funny words by funny women (1994: The Crossing Press) as quoted by Beatrice Santorini in her Linguistic humor website


Occupational Hazards


A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

***

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)

***

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

***

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

***

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)

***

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

***

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

***

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

***

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

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A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

***

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

***

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

***

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

***

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

***

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

—From GreaterThings.com


Daffynitions

A “daffynition” is any twisted and humorous definition of an English word. Here’s a  a list of the better daffynitions—plus a few original ones—collected from the Internet by Jim Wegryn:
 
abdication — Giving up on stomach exercises.

adult — A person who has stopped growing up and starts growing out.

anarchy - Exception to the rule.

ashtray — Pig Latin for a piece of trash.

atheist — A believer in non-belief.

autopsy — A dying practice.

bachelor — A guy who never finds out how many faults he has.

bankers — The rooters of all evil.

bargain — Something that makes you think you’re saving money when you’re spending it.

bore — Someopne who, when you ask how he is, tells you.

bureaucracy — Capital punishment.

cannibal — Someone who is fed up with people.

card — Someone in a play suit.

chef — A cook with a large hat and a head to fill it.

chickens — Animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.

church — Where the world is seen through stained-glass.

committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

consciousness — That nightmare between sleeps.

custody — The last battle in a marriage.

cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county.

death — The only escape from taxes.

dictionary — The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good.

diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started.

dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out.

esoteric — A word known only by esoteric people.

expression — Non-stop talking.

finance — The artful application of arithmetic.

flabbergasted — Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror.

flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries.

fortune teller — A bank employee who only deals with large accounts.

gossip — An independent news source.

government — A necessity we could do without.

hanging — A suspended sentence.

hangover — The wrath of grapes.

headache — a cheap and effective contraceptive.

heirloom — A dead giveaway.

honeymoon — When a married couple moon their honeys.

hunch — A gut feeling you get during lunch.

hypochondriac — Someone who won’t let well enough alone.

inertia — Resisting arrest.

jury — A panel of twelve untrained in law who are asked their legal opinion.

kernel — A unit of corny.

lawyer — Deceiver, as in “lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer.”

life — A sexually transmitted terminal disease.

lightheaded — Halo effect.

locomotive — insanity plea

lottery — A tax on people who are lousy at math.

lymph — To walk with a lisp.

manicurist — Someone who makes money hand over fist.

mosquito — An insect that makes flies tolerable.

normal — 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.

optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.

pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

petroleum — Floor covering for dog and cat owners.

politician — One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

politics — Where truth lies.

predestination — Doomed from the start.

relentless — Not allowing someone to borrow something a second time.

religion — Where you find prophets and nonprofits.

secret — News you tell to one person at a time.

shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark.

sleep — That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.

slumber — salvaged wood from condemned house.

stick — A boomerang that doesn’t come back.

suburbia — Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.

teenager — One whose hang-ups do not include clothes.

tomorrow — A great labor saving device of today.

tornado — An ending with a twist.

truth — Something that doesn’t lie in the open.

volunteer — Take on work that makes no cents.

wealth — Envied ownership.

yawn — An honest opinion openly expressed

—From Jim Wegryn Presents


Questions To Ponder (Vol. I)

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

***

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

***

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

***

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

***

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

***

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

***

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

***

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

***

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

***

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

***

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

***

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

***

Is it possible to be totally partial?

***

What’s another word for thesaurus?

***

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

***

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

***

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

***

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

***

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

***

How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?

***

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

***

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

***
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

***

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

***

How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

***

How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something cold, cold?

***

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATMs?

***

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?

***

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

***

Why isn’t phonetic spelt the way it sounds?

—The Humor Bin

Joe Carillo

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #10 on: July 24, 2010, 10:06:12 AM »
Why men die first

Why men die first is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist; if you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard, there’s never any time for her; if you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation; if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment; if you keep quiet it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp; if you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination; if she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert; if you don’t, you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist; if you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain; if you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something; if you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself; if you aren’t you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired; if you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

Men die first because they want to.

—From WowFunny.com

Edward Collin

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Re: Wordplay
« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2010, 12:03:08 PM »
I have really admired the humour behind these funny and intellectual quotes. I love them. Its good.