Author Topic: Miscellany  (Read 8282 times)

Joe Carillo

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Miscellany
« on: February 01, 2010, 04:19:30 PM »
HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY AND DEMOLISH YOUR OPPONENTS
By Anonymous

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.”

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: “Let me put it this way,” “In terms of,” “Vis-à-vis,” “Per se,” “As it were,” “Qua,” “So to speak.” You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”, and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.”

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.” You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.” Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: “You’re begging the question.” “You’re being defensive.” “Don’t compare apples to oranges.” “What are your parameters?” This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means. Don’t forget the classic: “YOU’RE SO LINEAR.”

Here’s how to use your comebacks: You say: “As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...” Your opponent says: “Lincoln died in 1865.” You say: “You’re begging the question.” You say: “Liberians, like most Asians...” Your opponent says: “Liberia is in Africa.” You say: “You’re being defensive.”

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”

—From JokesHub.net


A WIFE’S AND HUSBAND’S THOUGHTS ABOUT MARRIAGE

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

2. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4.  A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all. Money. A beautiful house. A big car.
    The love of a beautiful woman, then, pow! It was all gone!”

    “What happened?” asked the friend.

    “My wife found out.”

5. Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
    Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she
    brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just
    won the California lottery!”

    Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

   The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still
    think they are beautiful.

9. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t want to interrupt her.

10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to
     lunch or a movie?

12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

—Just-Humor.com


WOMAN THOUGHTS

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it Free…you either married it or gave birth to it!”

“Insanity is my only means of relaxation.”

“Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.”

“Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.”

“One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.”

“My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.”

“The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.”

“The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.”

“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.”

“Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.”

“Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.”

“I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.”

“Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!”

“Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like: ‘You know sometimes I forget to eat!’”

“Now... I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.”

“A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.”

“They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said ‘Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?’

“Clear as a bell my body said ‘Listen, witch.....do it and die.’”

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing... and then they marry him.”

“I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast.

“Are they kidding?

“That’s my idea of a perfect day!

—Just-Humor.com


MISCELLANEOUS RULES FOR LIFE ON THE SILVER SCREEN

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

***
 
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

***
 
Most dogs are immortal.
 
***

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade—at any time of the year.

***

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

***
 
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

***
 
It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

***
 
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off –even while scuba diving.

***
 
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you wish without difficulty.

***
 
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition—even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

***
 
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

***
 
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

***
 
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

***
 
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

***
 
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

***
 
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

***
 
The Chief of Police is always black.

***
 
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

***
 
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

***
 
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

***
 
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

***
 
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

***
 
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

***
 
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

***
 
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective—or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

***
 
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

***
 
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

***
 
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

***
 
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

***
 
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

***
 
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

***
 
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

***
 
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

***
 
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

***
 
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

***
 
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

***
 
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts—your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

***
 
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

***
 
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

***
 
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

***
 
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

***
 
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

***
 
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds —unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

***
 
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

***
 
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

—From JokeThing.com
http://www.jokething.com/jokes/14/14008
« Last Edit: April 03, 2010, 12:25:58 AM by Joe Carillo »

Joe Carillo

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Re: Miscellany
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2010, 04:20:37 PM »
International Marketing Nightmares

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multinationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

And finally…

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

—From the Humor Bin

***

What Kids Think About Love
Hilarious answers from 5-year-old kids about the meaning of love

When a group of 4- to 8-year-olds where asked the question, “What does love mean?”, the answers were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think...

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”—Billy, 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”—Karl, 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”—Chrissy, 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”—Terri, 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”—Danny, 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.”—Emily, 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”—Bobby, 7

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”—Nikka, 6

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”—Noelle, 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”—Tommy, 6

“My mommy loves me more than anybody .You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”—Clare, 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”—Elaine, 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.”—Chris, 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”—Mary Ann, 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”—Lauren, 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”—Karen, 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”—Jessica, 8

—From SlinkyCity.com

***

The Secret Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

—From Top20Fun.com

***

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

—JokesandHumor.com

***

In the Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

—From SomeJokes.com

***

Sherlock Holmes Under the Starlight

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute, then said: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot, a thief has stolen our tent."

—From AFunnyStuff.com

***

The Linguist

A Swiss man visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. “Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries.

The two continue to stare.

Parlare Italiano?

No response.

Hablan ustedes Espanol?

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn another language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Joe Carillo

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Re: Miscellany
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2010, 12:27:05 AM »
SOCIETIES EXPLAINED

Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Singapore Democracy:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.

Militarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

British Democracy:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Hong Kong Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

Environmentalism:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Political Correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Counter Culture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!

Surrealism:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Japanese Democracy:
You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.

European Federalism:
You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.

—From the website of Thomas Bätzler, Germany

***

Man in Hot Air Balloon is Lost (Two Versions)

Version 1: From tnkr on 1/11/2003

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.  He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.  He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a teacher," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've
not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be a school administrator."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Version 2: DrRibeiro on 98-08-06 and Dmswitzer1325 on 5/21/2003

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.  He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

***

kanajlo

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Re: Miscellany
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2010, 01:36:00 AM »
HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY AND DEMOLISH YOUR OPPONENTS

(continued)

a. If your opponent quotes a famous person, say that that quote was taken out of context. "Text without context is pretext." (Maybe there was no context, but don't admit that.)
b. If your opponent makes a very important point, say, "That is irrelevant and immaterial," even if it is not.
c. If your opponent is presenting a long argument, say, "Do we really have time for this lengthy dissertation? Can we somehow sum up the entire point in less than three sentences?"
d. If your opponent cites the opinion of a celebrity or authority, reply that "Steven Pinker, the famous American scientist, would probably disagree with you." It does not matter if you don't know much about Steven Pinker. Your audience will know less.
e. If your opponent says anything about you, personally, anything at all, say "Is it necessary to bring ad hominem arguments into the midst of a serious discussion? I expected better manners from you."