HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY AND DEMOLISH YOUR OPPONENTSBy AnonymousI argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”
NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.”
Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: “Let me put it this way,” “In terms of,” “Vis-à-vis,” “Per se,” “As it were,” “
Qua,” “So to speak.” You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”, and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.”
Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.” You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let me put it this way.
In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians
qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often,
so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.” Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: “You’re begging the question.” “You’re being defensive.” “Don’t compare apples to oranges.” “What are your parameters?” This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means. Don’t forget the classic: “YOU’RE SO LINEAR.”
Here’s how to use your comebacks: You say: “As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...” Your opponent says: “Lincoln died in 1865.” You say: “You’re begging the question.” You say: “Liberians, like most Asians...” Your opponent says: “Liberia is in Africa.” You say: “You’re being defensive.”
Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”
—From JokesHub.netA WIFE’S AND HUSBAND’S THOUGHTS ABOUT MARRIAGE1. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
2. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
4. A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all. Money. A beautiful house. A big car.
The love of a beautiful woman, then, pow! It was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked the friend.
“My wife found out.”
5. Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she
brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just
won the California lottery!”
Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still
think they are beautiful.
9. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t want to interrupt her.
10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to
lunch or a movie?
12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
—Just-Humor.com WOMAN THOUGHTS“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it Free…you either married it or gave birth to it!”
“Insanity is my only means of relaxation.”
“Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.”
“Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.”
“One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.”
“My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.”
“The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.”
“The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.”
“The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.”
“Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.”
“Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.”
“I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.”
“Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!”
“Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like: ‘You know sometimes I forget to eat!’”
“Now... I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.”
“A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.”
“They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said ‘Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?’
“Clear as a bell my body said ‘Listen, witch.....do it and die.’”
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing... and then they marry him.”
“I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast.
“Are they kidding?
“That’s my idea of a perfect day!
—Just-Humor.comMISCELLANEOUS RULES FOR LIFE ON THE SILVER SCREENDuring all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
***
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
***
Most dogs are immortal.
***
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade—at any time of the year.
***
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
***
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
***
It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
***
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off –even while scuba diving.
***
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you wish without difficulty.
***
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition—even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
***
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
***
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
***
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
***
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
***
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
***
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
***
The Chief of Police is always black.
***
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
***
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
***
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
***
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
***
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
***
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
***
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
***
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective—or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
***
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
***
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
***
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
***
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
***
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
***
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
***
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
***
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
***
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
***
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
***
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
***
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts—your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
***
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
***
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
***
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
***
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
***
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
***
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds —unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
***
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
***
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
—From JokeThing.com http://www.jokething.com/jokes/14/14008
