Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery “Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”
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“Someone call the janitor—we’re going to need a mop!”
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“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!”
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“Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”
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“Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
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“Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.”
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“Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”
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“Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?”
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“Darn, there go the lights again....”
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“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ’em."
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“Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!”
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“Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.”
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“What’s this doing here?”
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“That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?”
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“I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.”
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“Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.”
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“Sterile, shcmerile. The floor’s clean, right?”
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“What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change?”
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“Anyone see where I left that scalpel?”
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“And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.”
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“Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.”
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“This patient has already had some kids, right?”
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“Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?”
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“Don’t worry. I think this is sharp enough.”
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“FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!”
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“Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!”
—Brain Candy Jokes & Humor CollectionCracking the Human Resource CodeCOMPETITIVE SALARY
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often—might as well be comfortable.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh_t done.
—From Comedy Central Jokes.com***
New Words for the 21st CenturyEssential additions for the workplace vocabularyBLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
—From Tina’s Humor Archives***
Don’t Kid About Employment BenefitsReaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”
The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years—say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
—InnocentEnglish.com***
What Happens When People of Different Occupations Get OldOld accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
—From TipTopMovie.com***
How Careers End Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are discented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed.
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark.
—From TiptopMovie.com
