LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST

Some rapier-sharp insults about the target’s personal appearance

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”—Winston Churchill

***

“Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.” —Mark Twain

***

“I don’t recognize you—I’ve changed a lot.” —Oscar Wilde

***

“He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.” —Ayn Rand

***

“She was what we used to call a suicide blonde—dyed by her own hand.” —Saul Bellow

***

“He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.” —George C. Scott

***

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” —Groucho Marx

***

“He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.” —Oliver Goldsmith

***

“A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before you drench it with DDT.”—John Carey

***

“A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.”—Earl Long

***

“At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.”—Edith Massey in Polyester

***

“Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off.” —Groucho Marx

***

“He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own.” —Margaret Halsey

***

“He strains his conversation through a cigar.” —Hamilton Mabie

***

“He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble.” —P.G. Wodehouse

***

“He’s a trellis for varicose veins.” —Wilson Mizner

***

“He’s so fat, he can be his own running mate.” —Johnny Carson

***

“He’s so small, he’s a waste of skin.” —Fred Allen

***

“He’d make a lovely corpse.” —Charles Dickens

***

“Her face was her chaperone.” —Rupert Hughes

***

“Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.” —Woody Allen

***

“Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year.” —Fred Allen

***

“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael

***

“Her skin was white as leprosy.” —S. T. Coleridge

***

“His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with gall; his tongue drips poison.” —John Quincy Adams

***

“His face was filled with broken commandments.” —John Masefield

***

“His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.” —John Philpot Curran

***

“His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.” —Charles Lamb

***

 “I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.” —Noël Coward

***

“Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?” —Dr. Gonzo

***

“It’s like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.” —Jeff Foxworthy

***

“Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.” —Alan Bennett

***

“She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.” —Groucho Marx

***

“She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.” —Noel Coward

***

“She is a peacock in everything but beauty.” —Oscar Wilde

***

“She looked as though butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth—or anywhere else.” —Elsa Lanchester

***

“She not only kept her lovely figure, she’s added so much to it.” —Bob Fosse

***

“She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.” —Heinrich Heine

***

“She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig.” —Margot Asquith

***

“She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.” —James Matthew Barrie

***

“She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.” —Will Rogers

***

“She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.” —Jonathan Swift

***

“The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.” —William Shakespeare

***

“When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry—for the clothes. —Josh Billings

***

“While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser’s; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes—even your face does not sleep with you.” —Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)

***

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” —Mark Twain

***

“Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.” —P. G. Wodehouse

***

“You couldn’t tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.” —Irvin S. Cobb

—From the Brain Candy Celebrity Insults Collection

Go to Wordplay now!
Go to On the Job now
Go to Student and School Life now!
Go to Miscellany now!

Click to view all postings in this section