LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST

Fabulous Advice from Famous People

“A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.”
—Saki [H. H. Munro]

“Any idiot can get laid when they're famous. That's easy. It's getting laid when you're not famous that takes some talent.”
—Kevin Bacon, 1996

“Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let’s not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources.”
—Ronald Reagan (10 Sept. 1980)

“Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it’s looks, most women know otherwise.”
—Kathleen Turner (1986)

“Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.”
—Wilson Mizner

“Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.”
—Phyllis Diller

“Blind faith in your leaders, or in anything, will get you killed.”
—Bruce Springsteen

“Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.”
—George Burns

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
—Dorothy Parker

“Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.”
—Will Rogers

“By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.”
—George Burns

“Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.”
—George Burns

“Drugs have nothing to do with the creation of music. In fact, drugs are dumb and self-indulgent. Kind of like sucking your thumb.”
—Courtney Love

“Have no fear of perfection—you'll never reach it.”
—Salvador Dali

“He who slings mud generally loses ground.”
—Adlai Stevenson

“Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.”
—Steve Landesberg

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”
—Phyllis Diller

“Humility is no substitute for a good personality.”
—Jon Winokur

“I always advise people never to give advice.”
—P. G. Wodehouse

“I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.”
—Bill Maher

“I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.”
—Adela Rogers St. John

“If a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm.”
—Hut Landon

“If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”
—G. K. Chesterton

“If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly…very slowly.”
—Gypsy Rose Lee

“If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.”
—Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr.

“If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.”
—Linda Furney

“If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
—Dan Quayle

“If you can't convince them, confuse them.”
—Harry S Truman

“If you can't be kind, at least be vague.”
—Judith Manners

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
—George Carlin

“If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.”
—Bobby Slayton

“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”
—Rush

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.”
—Bobcat Goldthwait

“If you have to be in a soap opera, try not to get the worst role.”
—Boy George

“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”
—Katherine Hepburn

“If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: ‘I'm cheap!’”
—Delta Burke

“If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.”
—Norm Crosby

“If you're there before it's over, you're on time.”
—James Walker

“Impropriety is the soul of wit.”
—W. Somerset Maugham

“It ain't over till it's over.”
—Yogi Berra

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”
—William Clinton

“It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.”
—George Bernard Shaw

“It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.”
—Shirley MacLaine

“Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.”
—Mae West

“Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.”
—Groucho Marx

“Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.”
—Eva Gabor

“No problem is so large it cannot be run away from.”
—Charles M. Schultz (“Peanuts”)

“Nothing goes out of fashion sooner than a long dress with a very low neck.”
—Coco Chanel

“Often you just have to rely on your intuition.”
—Bill Gates, Microsoft

“Oh, grow up!”
—Joan Rivers

“Old age is no place for sissies.”
—Bette Davis

“Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.”
—Miss Piggy

“Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!”
—Tommy Smothers

“Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger.”
—Abbie Hoffman

“Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.”
—Coco Chanel

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
—W. C. Fields

“Stay humble. Always answer the phone, no matter who else is in the car.”
—Jack Lemmon

“Success is a great deodorant.”
—Elizabeth Taylor

“The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.”
—Roseanne Arnold

“The future will be better tomorrow.”
—Dan Quayle

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
—Lucille Ball

“The worst crime is faking it.”
—Kurt Cobain

“There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.”
—Elton John

“Time wounds all heels.”
—Jane Ace

“To keep your character intact you cannot stoop to filthy acts. It makes it easier to stoop the next time.”
—Katherine Hepburn

“What the hell—you might be right, you might be wrong...but don't just avoid.”
—Katherine Hepburn

“When your conscience says law is immoral, don't follow it.”
—Jack Kevorkian

“You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans.”
—Ronald Reagan

“You've got to take the bitter with the sour.”
—Samuel Goldwyn

What you shouldn't do…

“Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing.”
—Buddy Hackett

“Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected, then get even.”
—James Carville

“Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.”
—Janis Joplin

“Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.”
—Nick Diamos

“Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.”
—Tom Stoppard

“Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.”
—William Brighty Rands

“Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon.”
—Jilly Cooper

“Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store.”
—Miss Piggy

—From Corsinet.com’s Brain Celebrity Quotes

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