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LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST
Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.
In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.
So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!
Click here to go to the board (requires registration to post)
A Great Many Hilarious Puns
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
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What's the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
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If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
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Without geometry, life is pointless.
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He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I'll go on a head.”
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As the shoe said to the hat, “You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot.”
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If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
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The cannibal’s cookbook titled “How to Better Serve your Fellow Man” was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
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Women who wear a $200-perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
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I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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Every calendar’s days are numbered.
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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
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A pessimist’s blood type is b-negative.
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Practice safe eating—use condiments.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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Shotgun wedding: wife or death.
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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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To some, marriage is a word ... to others, it’s a sentence.
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
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Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be!
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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner—there were strings attached.
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Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
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If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don’t yell out “Hi Jack!”
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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said “Keep off the Grass.”
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Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
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Oboe: An English tramp.
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It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle; he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
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Pasteurize: Too far to see.
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
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I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
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Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
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Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
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Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don;t believe in higher powers.
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Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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She’s happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.
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We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
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The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
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He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
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Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
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When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
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A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
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I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
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A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
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When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
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A lot of money is tainted. ’Taint yours and ’taint mine.
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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
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Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
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Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
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Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
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Banning the bra was a big flop.
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Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.
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When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
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Alarms: What an octopus is.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
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Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
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He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
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Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
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A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asks. “No. I’m the chip monk,” he replies.
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When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will.”
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Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
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Organ donors put their heart into it.
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing—but it let out a little whine.
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My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep. I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones.
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It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.
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Stealing someone’s coffee is called “mugging.”
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Old doctors never die; they just lose their patience.
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In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
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She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
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There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
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Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.
Go to Wordplay now!
Go to On the Job now
Go to Student and School Life now!
Go to Miscellany now!
