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LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST
Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.
In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.
So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!
Click here to go to the board (requires registration to post)
19 things it took me 50 years to learn
By Dave Barry
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
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There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
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You should not confuse your career with your life.
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No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
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Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
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Never lick a steak knife.
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Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
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The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
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The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
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Your friends love you anyway.
—From the British Columbia DX Club website
David “Dave” Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody as well as comedic novels.
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