LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST

Glibquips: Roz Warren’s linguistic humor collection about women

PUNS AND SPOONERISMS:

“A waist is a terrible thing to mind.” (Jane Caminos)

“Life’s a beach, and then you dry.”

“My karma ran over my dogma.”

“A hard man is good to find.” (Mae West)

MORPHOLOGY:

“Vegetarians eat vegetables—I’m a humanitarian.”

LEXICAL AMBIGUITY:

“I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.” (Monica Piper)

“I still miss my ex-husband. But my aim is improving.”

“Question authority. Ask me anything.”

“It’s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” (Marilyn Monroe)

“I’m a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

“Nature abhors a vacuum. And so do I.” (Anne Gibbons)

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” (Mae West)

“I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried—but they wanted cash.”

“I majored in nursing but I had to drop it because I ran out of milk.” (Judy Tenuta)

IDIOMS:

“Take my advice—I'm not using it.”

“I’m over the hill, but the climb was terrific!”

“One more drink, and I'll be under the host.” (Dorothy Parker)

“Choose your words with taste. You may have to eat them.”

“Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.”

“I’d like to take you out—and leave you there.”

“To err is human but it feels divine.” (Mae West)

“My heart is as pure as the driven slush.” (Tallulah Bankhead)

“I eat junk food to get it out of the house.”

“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can one do with them?” (Amanda Lear)

“I’m so laid back I fell off.”

“You can’t judge a book by its movie.”

“George, you’re too old to get married again. Not only can’t you cut the mustard, honey, you’re too old to open the jar. (La Wanda Page to George Burns)

“A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.” (Texas Guinan)

“Bureaucrats cut red tape—lengthwise.”

“My reality check just bounced.”

“I feel like a million tonight—but one at a time.” (Mae West)

“You can name your salary here—I call mine Zelda.”

“The problem with trouble-shooting is that trouble shoots back.”

STRUCTURAL AND SCOPE AMBIGUITY:

“This is not a novel to be tossed lightly aside. It should be thrown with great force.” (Dorothy Parker)

PRAGMATICS:

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-three today and we don’t know where the hell she is. (Ellen Degeneres)

“This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them. (Gracie Allen)

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. (Rita Rudner)

“Don’t hate yourself in the morning—sleep till noon.”

“A woman came to ask the doctor if a woman should have children after 35. I said 35 children is enough for any woman!” (Gracie Allen)

OTHERS:

“I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.” (Jane Wagner)

“I didn’t steal this. It was 'differently acquired'.” (Sara Cytron)

“They say you shouldn’t say nothing about the dead unless it's good. He’s dead. Good.” (Moms Mabley)

“Dyslexics of the world untie.”

“There’s not much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about. (Gracie Allen)

“When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.” (Gracie Allen)

—From Roz Warren’s Glibquips: Funny words by funny women (1994: The Crossing Press) as quoted by Beatrice Santorini in her Linguistic humor website

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