LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST

Increase word power through word re-creation

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again had asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the most notable contributions:

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AL*GORE*RITHM. (n. Math.) A process whereby a finite set is counted repeatedly until the desired number of items is reached, whether or not that number is less than or greater than the finite number of items in the set. [Dec. 8, 2000]

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving  the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).

ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT n. The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

BEELZEBUG  n. Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

BOZONE  n. The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen  times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it  back down to give the vacuum one   more chance.

CASHTRATION  n. The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

CATERPALLOR  n. The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

DECAFALON  n. The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.

DOPELAR EFFECT  n. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

EXTRATERRESTAURANT  n. An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

FAUNACATED  adj. How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering v., which has made a meal of many species.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

FOREPLOY  n. Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to...

GIRAFFITI  n. Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

GLIBIDO  n. All talk and no action.

GRANTARTICA  n. The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

HEMAGLOBE  n. The bloody state of the world.

INTAXICATION  n. Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

KARMAGEDDON  n.  It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer

KINSTIRPATION  n. A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

LULLABUOY  n. An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

INOCULATTE  v. To take coffee intravenously when you are running late

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

REINTARNATION n. Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

SARCHASM n. The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches  away.

—From GreaterThings.com

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