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MY MEDIA ENGLISH WATCH
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I am inviting Forum members to team up with me in doing My Media English Watch. This way, we can further widen this Forum’s dragnet for bad or questionable English usage in both the print media and broadcast media, thus giving more teeth to our campaign to encourage them to continuously improve their English. All you need to do is pinpoint every serious English misuse you encounter while reading your favorite newspaper or viewing your favorite network or cable TV programs. Just tell me about the English misuse and I will do a grammar critique of it.
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Problems with stilted, unidiomatic phrasing and fused sentences
The four major Metro Manila broadsheets were once again remarkably free of notable grammar and usage errors in their major stories during the past week, continuing an essentially grammar-error-free performance that started in January. Unless I missed anything substantial in my media English watch this past week, they came out altogether with only two problematic sentences worthy of being critiqued here. They are from today’s issue (April 9, 2010) of the same broadsheet whose Education and Home section—as critiqued here during the two editions of the Forum before the last—has been publishing badly written press releases virtually unedited or poorly edited.
Here are those two problematic sentences (all underlining for emphasis mine):
(1) Philippine Star: Stilted phrasing, badly worded sentence (Internet edition)
DAR scholar to enroll in DLSU-Dasmariñas
MANILA, Philippines - A daughter of a farmer-beneficiary in Cavite has found her dream turned into a reality after she was picked to be the first scholarship grantee of the Department of Agrarian Reform (DAR) to enroll in an elite private school, the De La Salle University (DLSU)-Dasmariñas, Cavite. DAR Secretary Nassar Pangandaman said Michelle Pacres, 17, of Silang, Cavite was selected among four aspirants for this “golden opportunity” the DAR is offering to deserving student-children of farmer-beneficiaries.
The very stilted phrase in that lead sentence is, of course, “has found her dream turned into a reality.” You just don’t talk that way in English. A dream can turn into reality, or you can realize a dream, but you can’t find a dream unless you’ve lost or mislaid it—and it’s obvious in this case that the farmer’s daughter hadn’t lost that dream and wasn’t looking for it either. For her, in fact, it was a dream that just came true.
That awkwardly worded sentence could have been much better phrased if “the dream” was made the subject of the sentence rather than “a daughter of a farmer-beneficiary in Cavite,” as follows:
“The dream of a Cavite farmer’s daughter became a reality when she was picked recently as the first scholarship grantee of the Department of Agrarian Reform (DAR), allowing her to enroll in an elite private school in Cavite, the De La Salle University (DLSU)-Dasmariñas.”
Another better phrased version:
“The dream of a Cavite farmer’s daughter came true when she was picked recently as the first scholarship grantee of the Department of Agrarian Reform (DAR), allowing her to enroll in an elite private school in Cavite, the De La Salle University (DLSU)-Dasmariñas.”
(2) Philippine Star: Fused sentence of the comma-splice variety (Internet edition)
Mind Museum pursues more exhibits with new donors
MANILA, Philippines - “Let me introduce to you an idea whose time has come,” from this opening line managing director Manny Blas II revealed some of the featured exhibits in The Mind Museum at Taguig, during the recently held Deed of Donation signing with the 5th batch of museum’s donors.
The sentence above is a run-on sentence of the comma-splice variety. Its clauses are wrongly punctuated, resulting in a poorly articulated and confusing statement. In this particular case, the comma after the quoted sentence, “Let me introduce to you an idea whose time has come,” is inadequate for punctuating and linking it to the clause that follows, “from this opening line…”, and fails to establish the logical connection between them.
The problem can actually be fixed by simply changing that comma into a period, and making the clause that follows a separate sentence or, better still, a separate paragraph:
“‘Let me introduce to you an idea whose time has come.’
“With this opening line, some of the featured exhibits at The Mind Museum in Taguig were recently announced by Manny Blas II, its managing director, during its deed of donation signing with the 5th batch of museum donors.”
Even with this fix of the fused sentence, however, the statement still sounds so contrived and melodramatic. The following total rewrite—one that eliminates the quoted statement altogether—can make that statement more forthright and natural-sounding:
“Some of the featured exhibits at The Mind Museum in Taguig were announced recently by Manny Blas II, its managing director, during its deed of donation signing with the 5th batch of museum donors.”
