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LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST
Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.
In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.
So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!
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20 Things I Learned From Action Movies
No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.
There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a “flesh wound,” which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
If I’m white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy if I’m black. If I am Latino, the monster / villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly muscled, clean-cut, and he will gaze at me adoringly.
If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Jujitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.
If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like “Rick” or “Steve.”
Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of place Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in amazement in my direction.
—Author Unknown
—From the humor collection of Thomas Bätzler
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