Jose Carillo's Forum

LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST

Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.

In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.

So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!

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One-Line Clean Jokes

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you’re told.

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Assassins do it from behind.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Death is hereditary.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive anyway.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

From a collection in the You-Can-Be-Funny.com website

Go to Wordplay now!
Go to On the Job now
Go to Student and School Life now!
Go to Miscellany now!

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Page last modified: 04 July, 2011, 1:35 p.m.