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LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST
Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.
In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.
So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!
Click here to go to the board (requires registration to post)
A Great Stand-up Comic’s Thoughts on Life and Sundry Things
The following collection of one-liners is by Steven Wright, an American comedian, actor, and writer popular in the United States for his ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes and one-liners delivered in his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery. He has been named #23 on Comedy Central’s list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics in the United States.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
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“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
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“Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.”
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“Half the people you know are below average.”
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“99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
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“42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”
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“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”
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“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”
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“Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
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“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
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“OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”
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“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”
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“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
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“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
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“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
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“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”
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“Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”
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“Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.”
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“I intend to live forever—so far, so good.”
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“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
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“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
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“24 hours in a day… 24 beers in a case… coincidence?”
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“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”
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“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”
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“Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”
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“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
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“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”
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“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
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“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”
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“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”
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“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
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“The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”
—From the joke collections of the British Columbia DX Club
Go to Wordplay now!
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Go to Student and School Life now!
Go to Miscellany now!
