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LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST

Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.

In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.

So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!

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A Barrelful of Wonder Phrases

Like any language, English has a lot of idiom-phrases that don’t make grammatical sense.  But that’s no excuse not to laugh at them.

Here’s a terrific collection of those wonder phrases from Jim Wegryn Presents “A Barrel Full of Words”:

Would rehearsing a sermon be how a pastor practices what he preaches?

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If you have to collect your thoughts, are you scatterbrained?

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Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?

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If you’re on a low carb diet, aren’t you going against the grain?

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Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?

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Is it nightfall that causes the crack of dawn?

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Will you find cell phones in prison?

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Would a get-together of optimists be a glee club?

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Does a glee club ever sing sad songs?

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Is bar hopping a joint venture?

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Is a cured ham a lousy actor who no longer is a lousy actor?

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Wouldn’t it be cooler if a man’s best friend was a fox instead of a dog?

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Are mixed blessings worst than those in alphabetical order?

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Would being woke up by an earthquake be a moving experience?

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How come you have to write down something to write up something?

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If you talk turkey, wouldn’t you sound ridiculous?

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Are odds and ends less important than evens and starts?

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Is talking behind one’s back the same as talking in front of one’s back?

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When people say “God speed,” how fast is that?

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How much money do you save when you receive a free gift?

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What’s the difference between new and brand new?

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If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?

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If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it’s a necktie?

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Is it okay to use the AM radio after noon?

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Why does your house burn up as it burns down?

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How come you have to fill in a form to fill out a form?

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Why can you see stars out but not lights out?

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How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?

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Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?

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Why isn’t there anyplace to lie down in a public rest room?

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Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

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Does alphabet soup ever spell trouble?

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Can you take a crash course in flying?

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How come noses run and feet smell?

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When you press the door bell button, should you use your ring finger?

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Do old wrinkled people think baggy clothes are skin tight?

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How can you dig out of a hole?

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Why do people say “bye bye” but not “hello hello?”

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Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?

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Shouldn’t guests leave a banquet fed up?

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If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?

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Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?

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Why do you chop down the tree, then chop up the tree?

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When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?

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Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?

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Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?

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If you kick the bucket, aren’t you still kicking?

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How come “needless to say” always comes with something said?

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If you make ends meet, aren’t you just going around in circles?

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How come you bite down when the jaw moves up?

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Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?

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What lies beyond the moment of truth?

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When you say something tongue in cheek, why don’t you bite your tongue?

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If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn’t you do a double take?

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When somebody greets us with “how do you do,” why don’t we ever reply “do what?”

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If marriage is a two-way street, aren’t head-on collisions inevitable?

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If you pull strings to get ahead, won’t your scheme unravel?

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Are you sound asleep when you snore?

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How come even after you lose your temper, you still have a temper?

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How come you sleep while the alarm clock is on and wake up when it goes off?

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Can you back up down a hill?

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Why do they leave out the letter “b” on “Garage Sale” signs? (garbage)

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If you eat your hat and swallow your pride, why do you end up with egg on your face?

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If you push your belly button, will you get an ear ring?

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Does your pet peeve know any tricks?

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If you can’t get over the weather, are you under the weather?

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Does a jump start begin from a crouching position?

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Did you ever meet someone who was asking for trouble, without question?

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Is it a cake walk when you wear layered clothing?

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Would someone in ill humor be telling sick jokes?

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How come the bride never marries the best man?

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Wouldn’t you expect to get a dead battery free of charge?

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Is a will a dead giveaway?

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Should you break into song if you can’t find the key?

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Would a short fortune teller who escaped from prison be a small medium at large?

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If a thief falls into wet cement, does he become a hardened criminal?

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Won’t those who get too big for their britches be exposed in the end?

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Wouldn’t you say a calendar’s days are numbered?

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Isn’t a boiled egg hard to beat?

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To strike a happy medium, do you have to slap a smiling fortune teller?

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How can we have things cut in two but never cut in three?

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Why isn’t Sacramento spelled with capital letters?

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Is a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran?

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Shouldn’t you eat a square meal before going to a square dance?

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Is a well-rounded fellow a ball to be with?

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If something is out of whack, where can you get some more?

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Do pessimists slow down while optimists slow up?

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When it’s after dark, isn’t it really after light?

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If you want to ask questions in class, don’t you have to be high-handed about it?

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And how the heck did “how come” ever become a question starter?

From Jim Wegryn Presents “A Barrel Full of Words”

Go to Wordplay now!
Go to On the Job now
Go to Student and School Life now!
Go to Miscellany now!

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