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LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST
Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.
In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.
So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!
Click here to go to the board (requires registration to post)
Signs of the times: Contradictory statements as smokescreen for lies
Here’s a very timely collection of classic unforgettable prevarications over the years by prominent people caught red-handed in, well, deviating from the truth:
“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
David Dinkins, then New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
***
“He didn’t say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.”
Richard Darman, then director of Office of Management and Budget, explaining why President Bush wasn’t following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.
***
“I didn’t accept it. I received it.”
Richard Allen, then National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1,000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
***
“They gave me a book of checks. They didn’t ask for any deposits.”
Then Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.
***
“I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.”
Then US President Richard Nixon.
***
“I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that, where I was flying, made what I was doing spying.”
Francis Gary Powers, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.
***
“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.”
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
***
“It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.”
John Hogan, then Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.
***
“After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.”
Philip Streifer, then Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
***
“I do exactly as my father did. He did not imitate and I do not imitate.”
After Rabbi Noah succeeded his father Rabbi Mordechai as Rav of Lechovitz, his hasidic followers soon noted that he did many things quite differently. The response above was the answer, when Rabbi Mordechai was asked about this. [Eugene Borowitz, Frances Weinman Schwartz]
—From a collection in English Language Smart Words
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