Jose Carillo's Forum

LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST

Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.

In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.

So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!

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34 Business Jokes and Quotes

The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.—J.K.Galbraith

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Financial markets have a very safe way of predicting the future. They cause it.—George Soros

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If Thomas Edison went to business school, we would all be reading by bigger candles.—Mark McCormack

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A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

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If at first you don’t succeed: try management.

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The Egyptian financial markets are riddled with Pyramid schemes.

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Economics is the only profession where you can gain great eminence without ever being right.

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They have two tellers in my bank, except when it’s busy they have one.

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The only way to make killing on the stock market is to shoot your broker.

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In business remember that nobody can do your thinking for you. Remember I taught you that.

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I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

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An economist is someone who, by looking out of the rear window of a car, can tell the driver where he is going.—Clive Wismayer

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I’ve put something aside for a rainy day. It’s an umbrella.

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Sorry to hear that daylight savings is the only savings you have left.

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In other news, Sweden’s credit rating has been downgraded from AAA to ABBA.

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Q: Which one of our natural resources will become exhausted first?
A: The Taxpayer.

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I’ve written books on advertising – cheque books.—Alan Sugar

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I am having an out of money experience.

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I used to have two employees in my fart cushion business, but I had to let one go.

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It is easier to rob by setting up a bank than by holding up a bank.—Bertolt Brecht

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For some time I’ve been speculating on commodities: heavily buying into both the Coffee and Chocolate markets.

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It’s unfortunate we can’t buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth.—Malcolm Forbes

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I never touched Elvis’s money. He got his half.—Tom Parker

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They say money talks, but all it ever said to me was goodbye.

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My bank lets me send a text message and it’ll text back with my balance. It’s a cool feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.

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True wealth is not comparing yourself to others, but enjoying what you have. Especially when you have more than everyone else.

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Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

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A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

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By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

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If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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Win your lawsuit: lose your money.

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A successful lawsuit is one worn by a policeman.—Robert Frost

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By the time I’ve paid for this furniture, it will be antique.

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Our furniture goes back to Louis XIV, unless we pay Louis before the 14th.

From a collection in About Short-Jokes-Quotes.com

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