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LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST
Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.
In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.
So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!
Click here to go to the board (requires registration to post)
Telltale Signs of the Language Barrier
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here, misspellings and language warts and all, are some authentic things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty in their English.
“If you need to detain a burglar untill the authorities arive, this firewire cable can render approximately three perpetrators imobile when properly hog-tied.” — From a label on a fire wire cable.
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“Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away.” — From instructions on a Japanese medicine bottle.
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“Let’s decompose and enjoy assembling!” — Instructions for a puzzle toy made in Taiwan.
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“three types of ball are offered. They are one. two. three.” — Instructions for Chinese Baoding Exercise balls.
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“Cant food or drink.” — On a bottle of cleaning fluid for a 3 1/2” head cleaning disk.
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“Not to be used for the other use.” — On a Japanese food processor.
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“Cease Fire.” — On a fire extinguisher in Calcutta, India.
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“1. Lift up receiver. 2. Insert phone card. 3. Dial 0999 + number. 4. Say Hello.” — On a phone card in Japan.
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“You will know radio on by enchanting green light.” — From the instructions for a Hitachi radio.
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“This is natural deliciousness given from warm solar light and a rich field. Attach it to time of your wonderful tea. Please ear it on the tea time of afternoon.” — On the wrapper of a brand of tea cookies.
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“Warning! Click the model you need! Be sure to downlode the correct software; otherwise, the device will be out of work!!” — From the driver’s section of a model manufacturers web site.
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“Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.” — From the instructions on a Japanese hotel air conditioner.
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“Plug the phone jack into the wall. If the phone rings, pick it up and greet the person on the other end by saying Hello! or another such greeting. Once completing your conversation, hang up the phone.” —Instructions for a telephone manufactured in Japan.
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“Please find scales on the adjusting plates, there are 3 concavities for 3 different heights (26”, 700C & 28”), fit carrier on your bike after chooseing 1 suitable scales, make sure this is right size and screw it up.” —From the instructions for a bike rack. The instructions also had a “Parta List.”
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“Assembly. 1. Attach upper pipe to pillar pipe and pull out pillar pipe until the top of upper pipe is reached to the ceiling. 2. Tighten the short bolt of pipe support connector all the way. 3. Turn pole to counter clockwise with holding rubber foot to have secured strong set up or you can turn rubber foot to clockwise. 4. Measuring appreciate height to hang clothes and fasten bracket tightly to poles. 5. Pull out cross bar to appreciate length.” — Instructions for a closet insert manufactured in Japan.
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“Please be sure to keep the vents on top open. Do not bring spillables near these, like chicken soup and dust.” — Instructions, translated from Mandarin, for a computer monitor.
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“Fingering the nothingness that underlies everything.” — How a Japanese technical manual referred to a “pointer to void.”
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“Almighty type.” — On a box for a universal (guitar/bass) guitar holder from Japan.
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“Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases.” — On a bottle of Chinese medicine.
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“I can singing and dancing.” — On a toy gorilla.
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“With Fresh Vegetables dayly... Just a little bit, different Tastes of a regular cook.” — Instructions on the box of a cooking device for making potato curls.
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“Helps you in cooking fast, joyful beautiful sharp edged!” — More instructions from the potato curl device box.
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“Made of Safety Type, Hi-Quality Nylon Brinforced Glass” — More instructions from the potato curl device box.
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“Helps your cooking fast, joyfully with wonderfully edged strings!” — Instructions from the potato curl device manual.
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“Slices, Tine cuts, Strips, etc., made speedily and with no wastes.” — More instructions from the potato curl device manual.
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“Polygon Form: It is a solid image by the line and plane. Anyone is assembled on the screen.” — On the label of a T-shirt purchased in Japan.
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“Strong disk plug.” — ”Hard drive,” as translated into Italian on the instruction sheet for a Taiwanese hard drive.
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Rules for climbing Mt. Fuji:
A teffific Gust often overtakes three times consecutively. Keep yourself lying flat on the siope until its completely blown over. Danger comes soonest when its despised.
In case of Bad weather such as, storm, fain, snow and a dense fog, avoid climbing futher than the fifth staition. when the weather breaks Suddely. just give up half-way and Return.
The nearest-to-the-sky location in Japan is far colder than the feets of the mountain.
Bring garbage back to your home.
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Rules for touring the Kyoto Imperial Palace in Kyoto, Japan:
“If a tour group contains more than the number stiputed above, it is different in application. The particulars will be asked the clerk at the window. A man below 18 years old should be accompanied by the adults.”
—From the “Things People Said” collection of Rinkworks Online Entertainment
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