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LANGUAGE HUMOR AT ITS FINEST
Making yourself more proficient in English need not be a drag. You can actually speed up the learning process and make it fun by generously lacing it with humor—but preferably the best that the English language can offer.
In this new section, apart from giving a fixed slot to our weekly “In a Lighter Vein” pop-out humor piece in the Forum homepage, we have put together the finest of those weekly humor pop-ups since the Forum started. The best of them—collected from various sources on the web and sent in by friends—are all here, posted in the Forum under the following headings: Wordplay, On the Job, Student and School Life, and Miscellany.
So if you missed any of the best of the Forum’s weekly humor pop-ups, you can enjoy and savor them again and again here—and better still, share them with your friends!
Click here to go to the board (requires registration to post)
When things go awfully wrong in painstakingly written résumés
By the end of the graduation season this year, it will be job-hunting time for thousands of newly minted college graduates and, of course, also time for them to come up with well-crafted job résumés and applications. It's hopefully to be desired that their résumés won’t be caught with incriminating English grammar, usage, or spelling errors similar to the ostensibly authentic ones below from Rickwork.com’s “Résumé Quotations” collection. Otherwise, they might as well kiss that first entry-level job goodbye without even getting a call for the much-awaited job interview.
“I am very detail-oreinted.”
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“Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.”
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“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.”
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“I have used lots of software appilcations.”
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“Special Skills: Speak English.”
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“Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.”
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“I have a bachelorette degree in computers.”
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“Graduated in the top 66% of my class.”
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“Served as assistant sore manager.”
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“Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.”
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“I worked as a Corporate Lesion.”
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“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”
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“Special skills: Thyping.”
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“Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.”
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“I can play well with others.”
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“I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing.”
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“Special skills: Ive got a Ph.D. in human feelings.”
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“My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.”
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“Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.”
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“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice presidents girlfriend could steal my job.”
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“Previous experience: Self-employed—a fiasco.”
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“I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis.”
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“I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation.”
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“I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food.”
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“Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.”
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“Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state.”
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“My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.”
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“I love dancing and throwing parties.”
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“I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.”
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“I am a rabid typist.”
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“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
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“Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.”
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“Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.”
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“Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.”
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“Experience with: LBM-compatible computers.”
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“Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward.”
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“Typing Speed: 756 wpm.”
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“Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.”
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“ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY.”
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“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.”
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“Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.”
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“My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.”
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“Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.”
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“Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
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“Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company.”
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“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
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“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.”
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“Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30.”
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“Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places.”
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“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”
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“Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.”
—From Rinkwork.com’s “Résumé Quotations” Collection
Go to Wordplay now!
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Go to Student and School Life now!
Go to Miscellany now!
