Author Topic: Cracking the Human Resource Code and Other Workplace Mantras  (Read 12237 times)

Joe Carillo

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Cracking the Human Resource Code and Other Workplace Mantras
« on: March 18, 2019, 03:23:24 PM »
Cracking the Human Resource Code and Other Workplace Mantras

Time to crack the human resource code for the euphemisms and evasions of everyday corporate life as well as for the realities behind new words that pop out in the workplace vocabulary.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.



IMAGE CREDIT: SLIDEPLAYER.COM

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COMPETITIVE SALARY
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

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"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

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"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often—might as well be comfortable.

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"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

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"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

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"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

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"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.

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"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

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"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.

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"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

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"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.

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"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

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"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh_t done.

—From Comedy Central Jokes.com



New Words for the 21st Century
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.


IMAGE CREDIT: TWITTER.COM

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SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

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SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

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CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

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PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

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MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

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SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

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STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

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SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

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BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.


IMAGE CREDIT: SLIDEPLAYER.COM

***

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

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IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

***

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

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ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

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404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

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GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

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OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

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WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.


—From Tina’s Humor Archives


Don’t Kid About Employment Benefits

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”

The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years—say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”


—InnocentEnglish.com
« Last Edit: March 18, 2019, 06:23:54 PM by Joe Carillo »