A Cavalcade of DaffynitionsLet’s define a “daffynition” as a twisted and humorous—and at best epigrammatic* and sometimes devastatingly truthful—definition of an English word. Now see if the daffynitions in the following collection indeed merit that definition: abdication — Giving up on stomach exercises.
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adult — A person who has stopped growing up and starts growing out.
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anarchy - Exception to the rule.
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ashtray — Pig Latin for a piece of trash.
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atheist — A believer in non-belief.
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autopsy — A dying practice.
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bachelor — A guy who never finds out how many faults he has.
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bankers — The rooters of all evil.
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bargain — Something that makes you think you’re saving money when you’re spending it.
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bore — Someopne who, when you ask how he is, tells you.
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bureaucracy — Capital punishment.
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cannibal — Someone who is fed up with people.
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card — Someone in a play suit.
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chef — A cook with a large hat and a head to fill it.
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chickens — Animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
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church — Where the world is seen through stained-glass.
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committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
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consciousness — That nightmare between sleeps.
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custody — The last battle in a marriage.
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cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county.
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death — The only escape from taxes.
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dictionary — The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
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dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good.
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diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started.
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download — A crucial step in making a pillow.
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dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out.
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esoteric — A word known only by esoteric people.
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expression — Non-stop talking.
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finance — The artful application of arithmetic.
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flabbergasted — Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror.
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flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries.
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fortune teller — A bank employee who only deal with large accounts.
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gossip — An independent news source.
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government — A necessity we could do without.
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hanging — A suspended sentence.
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hangover — The wrath of grapes.
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headache — A cheap and effective contraceptive.
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heirloom — A dead giveaway.
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honeymoon — When a married couple moon their honeys.
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hunch — A gut feeling you get during lunch.
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hypochondriac — Someone who won’t let well enough alone.
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inertia — Resisting arrest.
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jury — A panel of twelve untrained in law who are asked their legal opinion.
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kernel — A unit of corny.
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lawyer — Deceiver, as in “lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer.”
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life — A sexually transmitted terminal disease.
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lightheaded — Halo effect.
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locomotive — Insanity plea.
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lottery — A tax on people who are lousy at math.
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lymph — To walk with a lisp.
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manicurist — Someone who makes money hand over fist.
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mosquito — An insect that makes flies tolerable.
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normal — 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.
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optimist — A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.
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pessimist — Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
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petroleum — Floor covering for dog and cat owners.
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politician — One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
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politics — Where truth lies.
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predestination — Doomed from the start.
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relentless — Not allowing someone to borrow something a second time.
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religion — Where you find prophets and non-profits (and lots of for-profits as well).
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secret — News you tell to one person at a time.
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Semite — Big-truck driver.
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shin — What you use to find furniture in the dark.
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sleep — That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.
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slumber — Salvaged wood from condemned house.
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stick — A boomerang that doesn’t come back.
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statistics — Where the truth lies.
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suburbia — Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.
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teenager — One whose hang-ups do not include clothes.
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tomorrow — A great labor saving device of today.
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tornado — An ending with a twist.
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truth — Something that doesn’t lie in the open.
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volunteer — Take on work that makes no cents.
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wealth — Envied ownership.
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yawn — An honest opinion openly expressed.
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*epigrammatic – a terse, sage, or witty and often paradoxical saying
—From Jim Wegryn's “A Barrelful of Words”
