Several years ago, I invited Forum members to improve the English of this notice in the hallway of a multiservice medical center in a major Metro Manila mall:
“For a more pleasurable experience, please ensure you are registered with the nurse station prior to doctors consultation.”I was aghast at the obtuseness and insensitivity of its language—not to mention its faulty grammar (particularly the missing apostrophe-s for the possessive in both “nurse station” and “doctors consultation”). I couldn’t imagine that such bad English could come from or be tolerated by medical doctors, who are supposedly among the most educated and English-proficient people in this planet!
The first rewrite came from Forum member Miss Mae, who posted this version:
“Register first to see a doctor.” She commented: “After all, the notice was already posted in the hallway of the clinic. Where else should patients register but in the nurses’ station?”
Miss Mae’s rewrite was definitely an improvement over the original, but I thought it had oversimplified the notice to the point of losing its intended message, which is the advantage to the patient of registering before seeing a doctor.
The next version came by e-mail from JTF, a FilAm balikbayan from Virginia in the United States, who commented: “Ooh! La, la! That’s very ingenious of that doctor to come up with those very welcoming words!” He then offered this revision:
“For timely processing of patients, please see the receptionist first.” I told JTF that his comments were well-taken but I observed that his version was decidedly dangerous! A patient will see a doctor to be treated, not to be “processed” in much the same way as raw meat to sausage. There’d be no pleasure in that, I told him!
Then this feedback from Isabel E. in Hong Kong came by e-mail: “Joe—how weird! Did that clinic think patients were dumb enough to expect pleasure from seeing the quack?”
Isabel’s versions were these:
“Direct & to the point:
‘If you don’t register, you won’t get to see the doctor!’ “Seriously:
‘Registration at nurses’ station required before doctor’s consultation’“Or:
‘For quicker, efficient service, kindly register with the nurse & wait your turn to see the doctor.’”
Isabel’s three versions sounded much closer to how that problematic notice should be phrased, but I thought they still didn’t have the semantic precision required for that message. So, tossing around for a more succinct, forthright version, I read aloud to my wife Eleanor all of the suggested versions and asked her what she thought.
“I think all those versions including the original notice have missed the point,” she said, “and that point is why it’s important for patients to register first before seeing a doctor. It’s definitely not for pleasure’s sake! It’s to avoid the inconvenience of being rebuffed when they go directly to the doctor without queuing up like all patients should.”
She then nonchalantly suggested this version:
“To avoid any inconvenience, please register at the nurses’ station first before seeing your doctor.”That, I thought, hit the nail right on the head!
Shortly thereafter, though, this version was posted by Giggi, a new Forum member:
“Please register at the nurses’ station before consultation.” She commented: “The word ‘pleasurable’ is absolutely unnecessary in that notice. I also believe that in notices of this sort, brevity should be key.”
I thought Giggi’s version was great! I liked the way she made the notice much more concise—from 15 words to 8, or by almost 47 per cent. I just had one little reservation about her use of the word “consultation,” which made her version sound somewhat officious and standoffish.
I therefore suggested using the phrase “seeing a doctor” instead to make the notice sound more natural and less imposing:
“Please register at the nurses’ station before seeing a doctor.”What do you think?
This essay first appeared in the column “English Plain and Simple” by Jose A. Carillo in the print and online editions of the April 19, 2013 issue of The Manila Times
, © 2013 by the Manila Times Publishing Corp. All rights reserved.POSTSCRIPT: I don’t know if this column had something to do with it, but a few months after this column came out, the multiservice medical center referred to here made a major overhaul of the critiqued English notice. Too bad that I hadn’t noted down the revision, but the next time my wife goes there for medical consultation, I’ll take note of the current state of that center’s signages and possibly write about it in the Forum.
