Author Topic: Same place, same eye-popping English variant  (Read 25103 times)

Joe Carillo

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Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« on: May 19, 2009, 08:29:22 AM »


We received the above photo of a beach resort poster from Arvin Antonio Ortiz, a BS Education-Social Studies senior at Holy Cross of Davao College. When we pressed him for details regarding the circumstances behind this apparent revision of the beach resort poster we featured here two weeks ago, he wrote:

“I don’t exactly know what prompted the Management of the Beach Resort to revise their rules and regulations. I think the one posted earlier in Jose Carillo’s English Forum was taken from a cottage, and the one I sent you was taken from the entrance gate of the Beach Resort.”

Anybody willing to help improve the English of this poster? We’ll send it to Arvin, who can perhaps send the revision to the beach resort management.

Thanks, Arvin!

Joe Carillo


Joe Carillo

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Re: Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2009, 08:00:53 AM »
Still no volunteer English-language wordsmiths to fix the hapless English of this poster?

OK, here's what I promise to give the sender of the best of the first five rewrites of the text of this poster--an autographed copy of Give Your English the Winning Edge, the third book in my English-usage trilogy. It's scheduled to roll off the press in mid-June. 

Arvin Ortiz

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Re: Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2009, 09:02:52 AM »
Can I do it myself, Sir Joe?

Joe Carillo

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Re: Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2009, 09:43:40 AM »
Of course! Please go right ahead.

Arvin Ortiz

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Re: Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2009, 12:32:07 PM »
ISLA BEACH RESORT AND CANTEEN’S
RULES AND REGULATIONS

A.The customers sometimes blame our security guard and our assistant for not telling them about our rules and regulations, especially the corkage and the electrical charges. So please read first our rules and regulations in order to make things clear and to avoid arguments. By the way, payments will be collected inside.

B. Don’t leave your valuable things unattended. The Isla Beach Resort will not be held responsible if anything is lost.

C. Per City Ordinance No. 2005-107, the videoke is until 12:00 midnight only. We should follow this or else Isla Beach Resort’s license to operate will be revoked.

D. Rules in the canteen:
   a. We have a deposit charge for all soft drinks and beers. This rule applies to Isla Beach Resort’s customers, employees, employees’ friends, as well as to outsiders.
   b. The deposit charge per bottle is P20.00. An additional P100.00 will be charged for the case, if any. Please don’t lose, dampen, or throw the claim stub. When you return the bottle or the case, you must show us your claim stub. Otherwise, you cannot get your deposit even though you have the bottle.

E. Corkage and Other Charges: “No exemption”
“It’s better to tell the truth than to lie.”
“It reflects on our personality.”

Self-Service Please

Entrance Fee:
                       
Adult (Day Time: 10.00; Night Time: 15.00)
Child (Day Time: 5.00; Night Time: 5.00)

Cottages:


Tables (Day Time: 50.00; Night Time: 50.00)   
Small (Day Time: 75.00; Night Time: 100.00)        
Medium (Day Time: 150.00; Night Time: 200.00)   
Big (Day Time: 300.00; Night Time: 300.00)      
Large (Day Time: 400.00; Night Time: 400.00)          
Close Cottage (Day Time: 400.00; Night Time: 400.00)     
Tent (It depends on the size)


Corkage:
               
Softdrinks (Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00)   
Beer (Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00)      
Liquor (Per Bottle: 15.00; Per Case: 50.00)
Chaser (Per Bottle: 10.00)
Can (Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00)      

Electrical Charges:

Cellphone (10.00)
Rice Cooker (30.00)
Karaoke (80.00)
Videoke (200.00)
Laptop (80.00)
Water Dispenser (100.00)
Stove (50.00)
Sound System (It depends on the unit)
Others
« Last Edit: May 27, 2009, 05:20:32 PM by Arvin Ortiz »

jonathanfvaldez

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Re: Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2009, 09:46:59 PM »
here's my 2 cents worth:

Isla Beach Resort and Canteen
Rules and Regulations


A.   Customers shall pay corkage and electricity fees inside.
B.   Customers shall be solely responsible for loss of any unattended belongings.
C.   In compliance with city ordinance, the videoke shall close at 12 midnight.
D.   A $20 deposit per bottle and an additional $100 deposit per case shall be made for beverage purchased from the canteen. Deposits are redeemable only on return of the deposit stub.
E.   Corkage and other canteen charges apply without exemption.

jonathanfvaldez

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Re: Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2009, 09:57:42 PM »
I'd like to add:

We believe that "Honesty is the best policy"; our canteen is self-service.

Joe Carillo

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Please see my announcement in the "Badly Written, Badly Spoken" index of postings.

jonathanfvaldez

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Hi Mr. Carillo,

Here's my second entry (sorry, i tried but failed to align the figures below "6. Fees"):

Isla Beach Resort and Canteen
Rules and Regulations


The management and staff at Isla Beach Resort (“Isla”) value your patronage and strive to make your stay as pleasant and pleasurable as possible.  In line with this policy, we ask our guests to cooperate and to please observe the following rules and regulations:

1.   Corkage and other canteen fees.  To avoid any misunderstandings that had in the past been the source of guest complaints (particularly about our resort’s canteen charges), please be informed that corkage and electrical fees (for the use of the videoke, rice cooker, laptop, etc.) apply to all guests without exemption. Payments may be made inside the canteen.

2.   Unattended belongings. Despite every effort to provide our guests a secure place to enjoy themselves, the large volume of occupancy at Isla has made prevention of theft a challenge.  We therefore ask our guests to help make Isla more secure by attending to their belongings at all times. Isla assumes no responsibility for loss of unattended belongings.

3.   Videoke bar.   In compliance with city ordinance (and to avoid revocation of our license), the videoke bar shall close at 12 midnight.

4.   Beverage deposit.  To lessen the upkeep of our facilities, a P20 deposit per bottle and an additional P100 deposit per case is required for beverage purchased from the canteen.  Deposits are redeemable only on presentment of the (a) bottle(s) and/or case(s), and deposit stub. 

5.   Self-service.    Because our canteen is fully self-service, guests should help themselves at the canteen’s food and beverage counters.  Please pay for all consumed food and beverage at the cash register.

6.   Fees.

a.   Entrance fee –

                         Daytime (before 6p.m.)   Nighttime
Adult                           P10.00         P15.00
Child (under 18 years)   P  5.00         P10.00

b.    Cottage fee -

Open cottage
   Small         P  75.00
   Medium         P 150.00
   Large         P 300.00
   Extra large      P 400.00
      
Closed cottage (any size)   P 400.00

c.    Tent fee – (depends on size; please inquire at the front desk)


d.   Corkage –

                                    Per bottle/can      Per case
      Soft drink        P  10.00      P  50.00
      Beer           P  10.00      P  50.00
      Liquor           P  15.00      P  50.00
      Canned drink    P  10.00      P  50.00

e.    Electronic / electrical equipment rental fee –

Cell phone      P  10.00
Rice cooker      P  50.00
Karaoke      P  80.00
Videoke      P200.00
Laptop      P  80.00
Water dispenser   P100.00
Stove      P  50.00
Sound system (speakers, microphones, etc.) : depends on type of unit; please inquire at front desk
Other equipment: please inquire at front desk


   Once again, we ask for your cooperation and urge you to be mindful of Isla’s rules and regulations.  Observance of these rules and regulations will doubly make your stay at Isla Beach Resort a memorable, pleasurable, and rewarding experience.
     And because we value your feedback, we highly appreciate any comments or suggestions to help us improve our services.  You may use the drop box at the front desk or simply send us an email at islabeachresort@isla.com.

Arvin Ortiz

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Re: Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2009, 11:22:04 AM »
While overhauling the mangled English of that poster I personally sent, I thought my responsibility is to merely fix the poster’s bad English. But I was utterly wrong, thanks to Sir Joe. He pointed out that, “The challenge…is to more than just improve the English of that poster. We have to strip it of the emotionalism, crankiness, and peremptoriness of the writer of the original text. We have to make it sound much more pleasant and reader-friendly—smiling, no less—so that the guests would more willingly accept its message and act on it positively.”

I don’t know if in this second attempt I have satisfactorily met that criterion. Nevertheless, I’m posting my second edition here — one that, I think, combines good English and good communication. Whether it’s enough to clinch the prize Sir Joe promised doesn’t really bother me. After all, in every endeavor — be it learning good English or making a class project — the process is as important as the product. But if it does pass the grade, that's good. (wink, wink)
_____

ISLA BEACH RESORT AND CANTEEN
RULES AND REGULATIONS

Vacation seldom occurs, and when it does, we sure want to enjoy every single moment of it. To ensure that the customers are well taken care of is precisely the goal that Isla Beach Resort aspires to when serving its customers. To help your stay in Isla Beach Resort as hassle-free as possible, please spare a few moments to read the following rules and regulations:   

•   Although the security guards are doing their regular rounds to secure the place, everyone is still expected to watch their own belongings. The Isla Beach Resort will not be held responsible if anything is lost.

•   Per City Ordinance No. 2005-107, the playing of videoke is until 12:00 midnight only. Failure to observe this will result in the revocation of Isla Beach Resort’s license to operate.

•   The Isla Beach Resort asks for a deposit charge for all kinds of beverages from anyone, regardless of whether one is an Isla Beach customer, an Isla Beach employee, an employees’ friend, or an outsider.

•   The deposit charge per bottle is P20.00. An additional P100.00 will be charged for the case, if any. For every deposit, the customer will be given a claim stub that will be presented to the cashier when claiming the deposit.

•   The customer is advised to take good care of the claim stub. Lost or wet claim stub will not be honored.

•   The Isla Beach is a self-service resort. The Isla Beach management therefore advises its customers to make their payments inside.

•   The following are the corkage and other charges:
 
Entrance Fee:
                       
Adult (Day Time: 10.00; Night Time: 15.00)
Child (Day Time: 5.00; Night Time: 5.00)

Cottages:

Tables (Day Time: 50.00; Night Time: 50.00)   
Small (Day Time: 75.00; Night Time: 100.00)         
Medium (Day Time: 150.00; Night Time: 200.00)   
Big (Day Time: 300.00; Night Time: 300.00)     
Large (Day Time: 400.00; Night Time: 400.00)           
Close Cottage (Day Time: 400.00; Night Time: 400.00)     
Tent (It depends on the size)

Corkage:
               
Softdrinks (Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00)   
Beer (Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00)     
Liquor (Per Bottle: 15.00; Per Case: 50.00)
Chaser (Per Bottle: 10.00)
Can (Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00)     

Electrical Charges:

Cellphone (10.00)
Rice Cooker (30.00)
Karaoke (80.00)
Videoke (200.00)
Laptop (80.00)
Water Dispenser (100.00)
Stove (50.00)
Sound System (It depends on the unit)
Others

The principal purpose of these rules and regulations is to guarantee that Isla Beach Resort remains a nice and orderly place in which to spend your vacation. Isla Beach Resort greatly welcomes any questions, suggestions, or comments. Just drop by the office of the manager.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2009, 11:27:41 AM by Arvin Ortiz »

PretentiousDiction

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Re: Same place, same eye-popping English variant
« Reply #10 on: June 07, 2009, 09:44:52 PM »
I found some of the parts (the section with the stubs, specifically) really hard to comprehend, so I hope I got this right!

----------------------------------

Isla Beach Resort and Canteen

To our beloved customers:

Please read these reminders to ensure everyone's safety and satisfaction.

A. Please do not leave your valuables unattended. Isla Beach Resort and Canteen will not be held liable for lost belongings.

B. Our Videoke closes at exactly 12:00 am, per City Ordinance No. 2005-107.

C. Here are specific rules regarding our canteen

  • Isla Beach Resort and Canteen requests that everyone deposit their beverages to the appropriate personnel. This includes the staff, no exemptions.
  • Each bottle you deposit costs 20 pesos, with each case costing an additional 100 pesos. A claim stub will be given to you upon depositing.
  • Please take care of your claim stub. Wet, torn or lost stubs will not be honored.

D. Corkage and Charges - Please note that payments are to be made inside.

Entrance Fee:
                       
Adult - Day Time: 10.00; Night Time: 15.00
Child - Day Time: 5.00; Night Time: 5.00

Cottages:

Tables - 50.00
Small Cottage - Day Time: 75.00; Night Time: 100.00   
Medium Cottage Day Time: 150.00; Night Time: 200.00   
Large Cottage - 300.00     
Extra-Large Cottage - 400.00           
Closed Cottage 400.00
Tent - Depends on the size. Check with the front desk for more information.

Corkage:
               
Softdrinks - Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00 
Beer - Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00   
Liquor - Per Bottle: 15.00; Per Case: 50.00
Chaser - Per Bottle: 10.00
Can - Per Bottle: 10.00; Per Case: 50.00     

Electrical Charges:

Cellphone - 10.00
Rice Cooker - 30.00
Karaoke - 80.00
Videoke - 200.00
Laptop - 80.00
Water Dispenser - 100.00
Stove - 50.00
Sound System - depends on the unit. Check with the front desk for more information.

Information on other available services and their respective prices may be found at the front desk.

Thank you for taking the time to view these rules and regulations. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to drop by the front desk or give us a call. Enjoy your stay!