Author Topic: Badly organized sentences make reading news stories so unpleasant  (Read 8177 times)

Joe Carillo

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The mark of a well-written news story is how smoothly and effortlessly it flows, whether read silently or aloud. The word choices are precise and the sentences are constructed with an eye for clarity, leaving no room for grammar structures that only serve to muddle information and obstruct the reader’s understanding of the intended message. In sum, the well-written news story is the well-organized, finely tuned product of good writing and competent editing.

This weekend, in two of the leading Metro Manila broadsheets, I came across one news story each whose lead sentence falls miserably below these measures of good writing and editing:

(1) Philippine Daily Inquirer: Grammatically muddled compounding of direct objects

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Lea Salonga, ex-health chief lead protest vs ban on sale of contraceptives

MANILA, Philippines -- (UPDATE 2) Broadway star Lea Salonga and former Health Secretary Esperanza Cabral led residents of a posh village in Metro Manila’s southern portion and Reproductive Health bill advocates in a demonstration calling for the scrapping of an ordinance banning the sale of contraceptives, according to INQUIRER.net reports.

In the lead sentence above, note how the compounding of the direct objects of the verb “led,” namely the noun “residents” and the noun “advocates,” is grammatically muddled by the long modifying phrase “of a posh village in Metro Manila’s southern portion.” The ill-advised sentence construction creates the absurd impression that the objects of the possessive form “Metro Manila’s” are “southern portion” and “Reproductive Health bill advocates,” which, of course, are semantically incompatible grammar elements. This confusing state of affairs forces the reader to reread the sentence at least a few times to make heads and tails of it.

The confusion could have been avoided by moving the phrase “Reproductive Health bill advocates” to a position where it wouldn’t cause grammatical bedlam, as follows:

“Broadway star Lea Salonga and former Health Secretary Esperanza Cabral, along with Reproductive Health bill advocates, led residents of a posh village in Metro Manila’s southern portion in a demonstration calling for the scrapping of an ordinance banning the sale of contraceptives, according to INQUIRER.net reports.”

(2) The Manila Times: A troubled and troubling sentence

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Philippines, Laos to work for stronger ties

THE Philippines and Laos agreed to work together for stronger and closer relations to promote developments between the two countries on the areas of human resources, trade, investment and culture during acting Department of Foreign Affairs Secretary Albert del Rosario first official visit to the country.

Del Rosario met with Lao Deputy Prime Minister and Foreign Minister Dr. Thongloun Sisoulith during an official visit to Vientiane on April 6 to 7 upon Sisoulith’s invitation.

The lead sentence above is so roughly and abstrusely constructed that it’s very difficult to figure out what it’s trying to say. The phrase “to promote developments between the two countries” is nonsensical; the use of the preposition “on” in the phrase “on the areas of human resources, trade, investment and culture” is wrong (it should be “in” instead); the tandem use of the words “during acting” is extremely awkward; and the entire phrase “during acting Department of Foreign Affairs Secretary Albert del Rosario first official visit to the country” is not only seriously convoluted but grammatically wrong. Indeed, it’s evident that the sentence, not well-written to begin with, had not undergone any editing at all.

Here’s how that troubled and troubling sentence might have been improved by more judicious editing:

“The Philippines and Laos have agreed to work for stronger and closer relations between the two countries and to pursue mutual development efforts in the areas of human resources, trade, investment and culture, Foreign Affairs Secretary Albert del Rosario reported after his first official visit to Laos.”

SHORT TAKES IN MY MEDIA ENGLISH WATCH:

(1) Manila Bulletin: Wrong word choice

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Palace cites internship programs for students

MANILA, Philippines -- Malacañang said yesterday that college students who are seeking on-the-job training (OJT) in government offices this summer vacation may avail of the internship programs in the Executive Branch that will help gain the youth an experience of working in the government.

“With these internship programs, the government hopes to capitalize on the creative energy and idealism of our youth, and to give training to future leaders in order to help bring about genuine change,” Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda said.

In the lead sentence above, the use of the verb “gain” in the relative clause “that will help gain the youth an experience of working in the government” is grammatically and semantically improper. The correct word for that construction is “give.” The verb “gain” may be used only if that sentence is rewritten as follows:

“Malacañang said yesterday that college students who are seeking on-the-job training (OJT) in government offices this summer vacation may avail of the internship programs in the Executive Branch that will help the youth gain the experience of working in the government.”

(2) Manila Bulletin: Improper sentence construction; improperly positioned phrase

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Corn can be tapped for biomass as cheaper fuel to power small factories

MANILA, Philippines – The Philippines can tap corn for biomass as a cheaper fuel to electrify small factories or households as now used in Europe and the US to substitute expensive crude oil-based power.

Technologies that are available in developed countries may simply be adopted by the country with the threat of skyrocketing crude oil price in the market.

In the lead sentence above, the phrase “as now used in Europe and the US to substitute expensive crude oil-based power” is grammatically incorrect. The correct form is “as is now done in Europe and the US to substitute expensive crude oil-based power,” so that sentence should read as follows:

“The Philippines can tap corn for biomass as a cheaper fuel to electrify small factories or households as is now done in Europe and the US to substitute expensive crude oil-based power.”

In the second sentence of the lead passage above, the positioning of the prepositional phrase “with the threat of skyrocketing crude oil price in the market” at the tail end of the sentence makes it a misplaced modifier that wrongly modifies the noun “country.” The problem can be fixed by moving that prepositional phrase up front of that sentence, as follows:

With the threat of skyrocketing crude oil price in the market, technologies that are available in developed countries may simply be adopted by the country.”

(3) Manila Bulletin: Wrong use of the singular possessive neuter pronoun

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Philippine waters safe – PNRI

MANILA, Philippines – Philippine waters and the marine life within its bounds remain safe even if radioactivity finds its way into the country through sea currents from Japan, in the wake of the release of tons of low-level radioactive water from the earthquake-damaged Fukushima Dai-ichi Nuclear Power Plant, the Philippine Nuclear Research Institute (PNRI) assured Thursday.

PNRI’s assurance was contained in its information bulletin No. 20, which it issued after it was reported that the power plant had already started releasing tons of low-level contaminated water into the Pacific Ocean.

In the lead sentence above, the use of the singular neuter possessive pronoun “its” in the phrase “Philippine waters and the marine life within its bounds” is erroneous. This is because the term “Philippine waters,” in the same sense as “territorial waters,” is grammatically and notionally plural. The correct possessive pronoun is therefore the plural form “their,” as follows:

Philippine waters and the marine life within their bounds remain safe even if radioactivity finds its way into the country through sea currents from Japan in the wake of the release of tons of low-level radioactive water from the earthquake-damaged Fukushima Dai-ichi Nuclear Power Plant, the Philippine Nuclear Research Institute (PNRI) assured Thursday.”