Jose Carillo's English Forum
General Category => Language Humor at its Finest => Topic started by: Joe Carillo on November 06, 2011, 06:25:02 PM
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A Treasury of Funny Quotes and Outrageous Sayings
About Men and Women:
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
~ Jilly Cooper ~
“If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.”
~ Margaret Thatcher ~
“To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.”
~ Helen Rowland ~
“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”
~ Elayne Boosler ~
“Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.”
~ Funny Short Saying ~
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
~ Albert Einstein ~
About Getting on in Years:
“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”
~ Bob Hope ~
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two...
~ Sir Norman Wisdom ~
“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember them."
~ George Burns ~
“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”
~ Helen Hayes ~
“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.”
~ George Burns ~
“Older people shouldn’t eat health food; they need all the preservatives they can get.”
~ Robert Orben ~
Random Sayings:
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
~ Tommy Cooper ~
“If everything is coming your way you’re in the wrong lane!”
~ Funny Short Saying ~
“If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.”
~ Joan Rivers ~
“I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”
~ Jeff Foxworthy ~
“I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time.”
~ Marilyn Monroe ~
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
~ Noel Coward ~
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.”
~ Joe Girard ~
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
~ Mel Brooks ~
“The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it’s bad for you.”
~ Issac Asimov ~
—From Quotesscoop.com (http://www.inspirational-quotes-short-funny-stuff.com/funny-quotes.html)