One-Line Clean Jokes

[Joe Carillo]

77 One-Line Clean Jokes

This classic collection of 77 one-line clean jokes really needs no fussy introduction. Just go for each of them and enjoy!


Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.



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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



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If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



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Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you’re told.

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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.



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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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A closed mouth gathers no foot.

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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

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A day without sunshine is like, night.

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Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!



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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

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All generalizations are false, including this one.

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All men are idiots, and I married their King.

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Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

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Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

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Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

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Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

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Assassins do it from behind.

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Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

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Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.

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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

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Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.



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Death is hereditary.

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Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

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Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

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Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

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Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive anyway.

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Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

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Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

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For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

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Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

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He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.



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I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

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I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

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I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

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I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

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I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.

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If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.




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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

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It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

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Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.

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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.



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Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

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Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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No one is listening until you make a mistake.

—From a collection in the You-Can-Be-Funny.com website