« on: May 22, 2011, 01:42:10 PM »
A Great Stand-up Comic’s Thoughts About Life and Sundry ThingsThe following collection of one-liners is by Steven Wright, an American comedian, actor, and writer popular in the United States for his ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes and one-liners delivered in his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery. He has been named #23 on Comedy Central’s list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics in the United States.“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
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“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
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“Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.”
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“Half the people you know are below average.”
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“99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
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“42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”
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“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”
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“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”
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“Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
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“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
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“OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”
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“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”
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“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
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“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
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“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
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“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”
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“Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”
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“Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.”
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“I intend to live forever—so far, so good.”
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“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
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“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
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“24 hours in a day… 24 beers in a case… coincidence?”
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“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”
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“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”
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“Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?”
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“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
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“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
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“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”
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“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
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“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”
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“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”
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“The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”—From the joke collections of the British Columbia DX Club
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 08:41:13 PM by Joe Carillo »
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