Jose Carillo's English Forum
General Category => Language Humor at its Finest => Topic started by: Joe Carillo on October 23, 2010, 09:38:30 PM
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“19 things it took me 50 years to learn”
By Dave Barry
1. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
(http://josecarilloforum.com/imgs/mountain-climber_very-serious-1A.png)
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2. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
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3. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
(http://josecarilloforum.com/imgs/rallyists-nun-taking-selfie-1B.png)
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5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
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6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
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7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
(http://josecarilloforum.com/imgs/faith-defenders_manila-1A.png)
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8. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
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9. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
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10. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
(http://josecarilloforum.com/imgs/dancing_maskipops-1A.png)
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11. Never lick a steak knife.
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12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
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13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
(http://josecarilloforum.com/imgs/pregnant-woman-1A.png)
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15. You should not confuse your career with your life.
(http://josecarilloforum.com/imgs/life-is-not-your-career-1A.png)
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16. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
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17. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
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18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
(http://josecarilloforum.com/imgs/woman-berating-waiter-1A.png)
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19. Your friends love you anyway.
—From the British Columbia DX Club website (http://www.bcdxc.org/words_of_humor.htm#19things)
David “Dave” Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody as well as comedic novels.
NOTE: The images in this humor collection, gathered from various sources, are latter-day additions by the Forum to Dave Barry's material.