Wacky New Definitions for Common English WordsArbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Cartoonist: what you call your mechanic.
Control: \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Crestfallen: dropped toothpaste.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyebrows: what I do when I go shopping.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Foreclose: why teenagers go to the mall.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Brought litigation against a government official.
—From Assorted Language Humor, Harris Creative Group website
