I don’t do corporatese now, but truth to tell, I’ve always considered myself to be the exception even back then, a corporate anomaly in the true sense. I really did not have the gift for it. I only loved the English and its power to show things as they really were. The true believers were men and women who talked and wrote English gobbledygook as an article of faith. They were essentially good and pious people. They often would play golf on Sundays or rave over any one of those spectator sports that corporate types love, where they import giants way over 6 feet high to grab and shoot a single ball among local pygmies 5’9” or below. They were slick people who compelled their managers and staff to prepare 10-year long-range plans while their executive assistants, with their open encouragement, went around town telling people that God had talked to them and that the world would come to an end in less than a year if they did not pray hard enough.
The thing about not a few of these corporate types was that they found it extremely difficult to call a spade a spade. They would hedge and hem and haw when confronted with reality. In private they would revile the truth and question its necessity. They would never admit to failure in corporate governance even if they were wet all over with it. They were not above misplacing a decimal point in a seven-digit income or loss if they can get away with it, just so they can paint a rosier picture of the company's’ financial health. Their only redeeming feature in this aspect was that, as far as I knew, they never resorted to outright skullduggery. Just a harmless fib or two perhaps. Unlike some of the corporate titans of the Enrons and WorldComs of our present day, they did not have the nerve to bleed their companies dry. They did not build stately mansions at Martha’s Vineyard or cavort with models or actors a third or half their age in Nice or Amanpulo.
Even with their scruples, however, the corporate types that I knew in the old days were already perfectly capable of writing purebred English corporatese, like this one, slightly condensed and disguised, from a 2001 annual report of a U.S.-based company:
Our back-to-basics strategy features a more concentrated focus on our core communications utility operations and complementary businesses. Our industry-leading successes in restructuring related to the implementation of customer choice have benefited ratepayers. And with a continuing focus on streamlining costs, our Company remains a steady source of recurring earnings. We will build on our core competences with existing customers and add new customers by providing the services that they value most highly. In addition, the strengths of our current customer relationships potentially can be used to increase customer willingness to consider future initiatives related to our core business.
This piece of corporate gobbledygook, however, is several notches below in audacity compared to its ENRON counterpart, which, as some of the company’s executives sucked its lifeblood until it collapsed spectacularly, grandiosely proclaimed in the 2000 ENRON annual report:
Enron has built unique and strong businesses that have tremendous opportunities for growth. These businesses…can be significantly expanded within their very large existing markets and extended to new markets with enormous growth potential…Enron is laser-focused on earnings per share, and we expect to continue strong earnings performance. We will leverage our extensive business networks, market knowledge, and logistical expertise to produce high-value bundled products for an increasing number of global customers.
But all hope is not lost in our lonely war against corporatese. There is a maverick among present-day U.S. corporate titans who has set a powerful example of how
not to talk in corporatese. His name is Warren Buffett, multibillionaire chairman of Berkshire Hathaway Inc., a large financial services and investment company. When things were bad and the firms he had invested in tottered on their weakened bottomlines after September 11, he took the bull by the horns and eyeballed it in his 2001 annual report:
Though our corporate performance last year was satisfactory, my performance was anything but. I manage most of Berkshire’s equity portfolio, and my results were poor, just as they have been for several years. Of even more importance, I allowed General Re [his reinsurance company] to take on business without a safeguard I knew was important, and on September 11th, this error caught up with us. I’ll tell you more about my mistake later and what we are doing to correct it…Another of my 1956 Ground Rules remains applicable: ‘I cannot promise results to partners.’ But Charlie [Mr. Munger, his vice chair] and I can promise that your economic result from Berkshire will parallel ours during the period of your ownership: We will not take cash compensation, restricted stock or option grants that would make our results superior to yours. Additionally, I will keep well over 99% of my net worth in Berkshire…Charlie and I are disgusted by the situation…in which shareholders have suffered billions in losses while the CEOs, promoters, and other higher-ups who fathered these disasters have walked away with extraordinary wealth… urging investors to buy shares while concurrently dumping their own, sometimes using methods that hid their actions. To their shame, these business leaders view shareholders as patsies, not partners.
Bravo, Mr. Buffett!
Mabuhay! This is a truly marvelous moment for the English language, and I say to you in all honesty: May your tribe increase!
-------
From English Plain and Simple: No-Nonsense Ways to Learn Today’s Global Language
by Jose A. Carillo © 2004 by the Manila Times Publishing Corp. All rights reserved.
