A belated rewrite of the gobbledygooky passage from a press release

[Joe Carillo]

Last week, I invited Forum members to help me decipher the following gobbledygooky lead passage of a news story—evidently a rehashed media release published with hardly any editorial intervention—in one of the major Metro Manila broadsheets:

Doable energy solutions, measures encouraged

MANILA, Philippines — The Aquino government is focused on coming up with doable solutions and alternative measures to address the increasing prices of energy sources in the country as it encourages for more studies that will help in mitigating its effects to the Filipino people.

Heeding to this call, a foreign firm specializing on the transformation of garbage into useful energy is unabatedly gaining grounds locally with its proposed “Energy from Waste (EfW)” concept concerning cool plasma process aimed at addressing such concern of the government and ease the lives of the people.

To the Forum member who comes up with the clearest and most readable rewrite of that problematic passage, I offered an autographed copy of my book English Plain and Simple.

Two Forum members, Miss Mae and Jing Garcia, submitted proposed rewrites of that lead passage (Deciphering a gobbledygooky lead passage from a news report).

Belatedly (since the deadline was September 29), I received the e-mail below from Mr. Esteban B. last October 2 with his proposed rewrite of the goobledygooky lead passage above. He makes a very thoughtful analysis of the English of that lead passage, but he rewrote the material as if it were a Malacañang press release, which it shouldn’t be. It was actually a press release of a foreign energy company. As such, the focus of that story should be on that energy company’s undertaking rather than on the Aquino government’s efforts to address the runaway prices of fossil fuels. - Joe Carillo

I read the lead paragraphs and the proposed "rewrites" of the paragraphs for the article with the above title.  I think would rewrite the paragraphs as shown below:   

Doable energy solutions, measures encouraged (Sep 25 - Oct 1)
Manila, Philippines -  The Aquino government is focused on coming up with doable solutions and alternative measures to address the increasing prices of energy sources in the country as it encourages for more studies that will help in mitigating its effects to the Filipino people.
Heeding to this call, a foreign firm specializing on the transformation of garbage into useful energy is unabatedly gaining grounds locally with its proposed “Energy from Waste (EFW)” concept concerning cool plasma process aimed at addressing such concern of the government and ease the lives of people.

The first paragraph calls for 2 things:
1.      Doable solutions and alternative measures to address increasing prices of energy "sources"
2.      Studies that will help mitigate the effects (of increasing prices of energy sources) on the Filipino people.

The second paragraph includes nothing about “studies that will help mitigate high cost of energy ”sources".

I would, therefore, rewrite the first paragraph only as follows:

The Aquino government is calling for viable alternative solutions to high costs of energy sources.

The second paragraph mentions a firm answering the call, and it describes the firm as using garbage as an alternative energy source, which is certainly cheaper than oil.  Nothing is mentioned about how much cheaper conversion of garbage into useful energy is, so I cannot say how the government’s concern about the high cost of energy sources can be addressed.  Therefore, I would rewrite the second paragraph only as follows:

Heeding this call is a foreign firm specializing in the transformation of garbage into useful energy by means of its “Energy from Waste (EfW)" concept, which is now gaining acceptance locally.  The firm’s EfW concept employs cool plasma process.

(Note:  If there is only one firm heeding the call, I would combine the first and the second paragraphs into just one paragraph).

Also, I would add a third sentence as follows:

The Aquino government is also calling for studies for mitigating the effects of high cost of energy sources to ease the lives of the Filipino people. (I would add this as a third paragraph because from the first lead paragraph, I would guess the Aquino government still expects costs of alternative energy sources will still be high, although much lower than costs of current energy sources)

Respectfully yours,
Esteban B.

[Joe Carillo]

I received the rejoinder below from Mr. Esteban B. about some of my recent critiques of flawed media English. – Joe Carillo

Yes, you are certainly right.  I rewrote the article just like a press release, because I had to rewrite it in a manner that would still retain the original contents of the article and reflect the author’s ownership of the article.
   
I have the following comments for your forum:

1. Science High School to Rise in Siargao.

I think there is no better way to rewrite the first paragraph as you have done.

"The dream of parents, teachers and local officials came true when Budget Secretary Florencio Abad Jr. along with his wife Rep. Dina Abad, lead the groundbreaking ceremony for the General Luna Science High School Saturday."

I infer from the paragraph that the parents, teachers and local officials are just waiting for Mr. Abad Jr and company to lead the groundbreaking ceremony for their dream to come true.  Substituting “once” for “when” would be appropriate.

I would rewrite the second paragraph substituting the phrase “will become a reality once” for “came true when” and placing a comma after “wife”.  I can use “will come true”, instead of “will become a reality”.  For me, it’s just a matter of preference.

"The dream of parents, teachers and local officials will become a reality once Budget Secretary Florencio Abad Jr. along with his wife,Rep. Dina Abad, lead the groundbreaking ceremony for the General Luna Science High School Saturday."

2.  Philippines Braces for Typhoon Quiel Today

“Typhoon ‘Quiel’ (international name: Nalgae) on Friday gained strength and swept through a wider area as it hurtled toward Luzon,threatening the northern and central regions, the very same regions barely  recovering from Typhoon ‘Pedring,’ with more rains and floods and disrupting” reconstruction efforts.”
(threatening…with more rains and floods and disrupting reconstruction efforts)

If the typhoon is just a threat, it cannot yet “disrupt” -- so I would rewrite the paragraph as:

“Typhoon ‘Quiel’ (international name: Nalgae) on Friday gained strength and swept through a wider area as it hurtled toward Luzon,threatening the northern and central regions, the very same regions barely  recovering from Typhoon ‘Pedring,’ with more rains and floods and disruptions of reconstruction efforts.”

3.  Cavite Peace and Order Improves

“Peace and order and crime solution efficiency have improved in Cavite with the intensified police drive against crime being implemented in this province’s four cities and 19 towns.

The above paragraph indicates outcome, so I would rewrite the second paragraph as:

“This was the conclusion drawn from the monthly reports that Senior Superintendent John C. Bulalacao, director of Cavite Police Provincial Office (PPO), submitted to Governor Jonvic Remulla and the seven district representatives of the province to update the officials on crime statistics and their significant accomplishments in the area.”

4. Cagayan, Isabela Brace for Quiel

I would rewrite the paragraph as:

“LUZON, badly battered by Typhoon Pedring (international codename: Nesat), will get another pounding from powerful Typhoon Quiel (international codename: Nalgae), which is expected to make landfall early today in the Cagayan-Isabela area in Northern Luzon.

Areas hit by Pedring are likely to be hit again because Quiel follows the same path as Pedring’s, weather officials said on Friday.”

5.  Lightning, Twister kill 2 in South Cotabato

I have no comments on your revisions of the first, second and third paragraphs.  The last paragraph I would rewrite as follows:

Senior Police Office 4 Rodolfo Ospital of the Norala police station said the victim and his carabao were severely burned after the lightning struck them during a thunderstorm Thursday afternoon.

Respectfully,
 
Esteban B.