Some rapier-sharp insults about the target’s personal appearance

[Joe Carillo]

Some Rapier-Sharp Insults About the Target’s Personal Appearance




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“Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.” —Mark Twain

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“I don’t recognize you—I’ve changed a lot.” —Oscar Wilde

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“He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.” —Ayn Rand

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“She was what we used to call a suicide blonde—dyed by her own hand.” —Saul Bellow

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“He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.” —George C. Scott

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“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” —Groucho Marx

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“He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.” —Oliver Goldsmith

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“A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before you drench it with DDT.”—John Carey

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“A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.”—Earl Long

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“At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.”—Edith Massey in Polyester

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“Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off.” —Groucho Marx

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“He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own.” —Margaret Halsey

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“He strains his conversation through a cigar.” —Hamilton Mabie

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“He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble.” —P.G. Wodehouse

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“He’s a trellis for varicose veins.” —Wilson Mizner

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“He’s so fat, he can be his own running mate.” —Johnny Carson

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“He’s so small, he’s a waste of skin.” —Fred Allen

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“He’d make a lovely corpse.” —Charles Dickens

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“Her face was her chaperone.” —Rupert Hughes

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“Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.” —Woody Allen

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“Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year.” —Fred Allen

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“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael

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“Her skin was white as leprosy.” —S. T. Coleridge

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“His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with gall; his tongue drips poison.” —John Quincy Adams

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“His face was filled with broken commandments.” —John Masefield

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“His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.” —John Philpot Curran

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“His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.” —Charles Lamb

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 “I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.” —Noël Coward

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“Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?” —Dr. Gonzo

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“It’s like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.” —Jeff Foxworthy

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“Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.” —Alan Bennett

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“She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.” —Groucho Marx

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“She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.” —Noel Coward

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“She is a peacock in everything but beauty.” —Oscar Wilde

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“She looked as though butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth—or anywhere else.” —Elsa Lanchester

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“She not only kept her lovely figure, she’s added so much to it.” —Bob Fosse

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“She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.” —Heinrich Heine

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“She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig.” —Margot Asquith

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“She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.” —James Matthew Barrie

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“She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.” —Will Rogers

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“She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.” —Jonathan Swift

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“The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.” —William Shakespeare

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“When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry—for the clothes. —Josh Billings

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“While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser’s; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes—even your face does not sleep with you.” —Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)

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“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” —Mark Twain

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“Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.” —P. G. Wodehouse

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“You couldn’t tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.” —Irvin S. Cobb

—From the Brain Candy Celebrity Insults Collection