A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
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What's the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
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If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
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Without geometry, life is pointless.
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He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I'll go on a head.”
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As the shoe said to the hat, “You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot.”
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If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
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The cannibal’s cookbook titled “How to Better Serve your Fellow Man” was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
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Women who wear a $200-perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
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I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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Every calendar’s days are numbered.
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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
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A pessimist’s blood type is b-negative.
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Practice safe eating—use condiments.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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Shotgun wedding: wife or death.
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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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To some, marriage is a word ... to others, it’s a sentence.
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
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Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be!
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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner—there were strings attached.
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Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
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If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don’t yell out “Hi Jack!”
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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said “Keep off the Grass.”
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Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
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Oboe: An English tramp.
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It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle; he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
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Pasteurize: Too far to see.
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
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I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
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Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
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Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
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Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don;t believe in higher powers.
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Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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She’s happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.
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We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
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The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
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He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
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Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
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When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
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A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
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I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
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A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
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When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
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A lot of money is tainted. ’Taint yours and ’taint mine.
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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
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Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
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Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
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Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
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Banning the bra was a big flop.
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Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.
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When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
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Alarms: What an octopus is.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
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Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
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He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
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Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
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A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asks. “No. I’m the chip monk,” he replies.
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When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will.”
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Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
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Organ donors put their heart into it.
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing—but it let out a little whine.
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My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep. I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones.
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It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.
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Stealing someone’s coffee is called “mugging.”
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Old doctors never die; they just lose their patience.
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In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
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She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
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There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
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Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.
—From You-Can-Be-Funny.com
