A Treasury of Funny Quotes and Outrageous SayingsAbout Men and Women:“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
~ Jilly Cooper ~“If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.”
~ Margaret Thatcher ~“To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.”
~ Helen Rowland ~“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”
~ Elayne Boosler ~“Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.”
~ Funny Short Saying ~“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
~ Albert Einstein ~About Getting on in Years:“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”
~ Bob Hope ~“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two...
~ Sir Norman Wisdom ~“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember them."
~ George Burns ~“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”
~ Helen Hayes ~
“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.”
~ George Burns ~“Older people shouldn’t eat health food; they need all the preservatives they can get.”
~ Robert Orben ~Random Sayings:“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
~ Tommy Cooper ~“If everything is coming your way you’re in the wrong lane!”
~ Funny Short Saying ~“If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.”
~ Joan Rivers ~“I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”
~ Jeff Foxworthy ~“I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time.”
~ Marilyn Monroe ~“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
~ Noel Coward ~“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.”
~ Joe Girard ~“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
~ Mel Brooks ~“The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it’s bad for you.”
~ Issac Asimov ~—From Quotesscoop.com
