For what I think is an obvious reason, I always expect the Education, Arts, and Culture sections of the major Metro Manila broadsheets to be their proud showcases for excellent English. The front-page stories of these papers may occasionally mangle grammar and syntax due to the brutal press of deadlines, their sports stories may routinely engage in hyperbolic phrasings to inject pep into otherwise lackluster narratives, their business stories may resort to calculated euphemisms to hide the less-than-stellar financial performance of this or that advertiser-company, and their entertainment stories may habitually engage in fanciful, deceptive wordplay to describe the merits of upcoming but less-than-stellar feature films, stage plays, or musical recordings—but what about their education stories and their arts and culture stories? Well, my expectation is that their education stories will be nothing less than exemplars of good writing as befits the aspirational majesty of education as a subject, and that their arts and culture stories will always be told in an aesthetically pleasing, intellectually satisfying, and editorially tasteful manner.
Every so often, however, I get so disappointed when the stories in these sections fall far short of the standards of language and editorial excellence, sometimes reflecting not only sloppy writing but sloppy editing as well. In its March 18 issue, in particular, one of the major broadsheets did such shoddy writing and editing jobs for several stories in its Education section.
Let’s now take a look at those problematic stories (all underlining for emphasis mine):
(1) Philippine Star: Badly written, badly edited press release (Internet edition)DepEd opens students summer employment programMANILA, Philippines - For years now, the Department of Education Central Office in Pasig City has been participating in the Implementation of the Special Program for the Employment of Students (SPES) led by the Department of Labor and Employment (DOLE).
This year, DepEd is stepping up the implementation of the SPES by allocating P1.6752 million for 150 poor but deserving out-of-school youth who may want to continue their studies. Those qualified and selected will be employed for 40 days and will be paid minimum daily wage, 60 percent of which will be shouldered by DepEd and the remaining 40 percent by DOLE.
To qualify, interested applicants must at least be 15 but not more than 25 years old, combined annual net income after tax of both parents does not exceed P36,000, passed all the subjects enrolled during SY 2009-2010 or, if out-of-school youth, during the last school year/semester of attendance preferably with high grades and possess skills necessary in office setting.
Apply during office hours starting up to March 26, 2010 at the DepEd-Center for Students and Co-Curricular Affairs (CSCA) everyday, including Saturdays. Interview will follow immediately after submission of complete requirements.
For queries, call the CSCA c/o Executive Director Joey Pelaez at tel. nos. 6318495 or 6363603.
This story, of course, looks every bit like a raw, unedited DepEd press release that went to press without even a cursory editorial evaluation by the section editor. As such, it is in itself a stark measure of the quality of the English writing from the source of the press release as well as of the quality of the editorial judgment of the section editor that allowed it to be printed in such a sorry state.
Specifically what are its grammar and usage problems and reportorial problems?
1. First paragraphIts very first three words, “for many years now,” are vague and unspecific. It would be logical for the reader to expect to be told exactly how many years the DepEd has been participating in that program, so the DepEd writer of that press release should have supplied that figure. DepEd owes it to the public to give that figure in a story where it is drumbeating its very own participation in a long-running employment program. But how long-running has it been? That the figure wasn’t supplied was due either to carelessness or shortsightedness in the whole DepEd press-release clearing chain. Still, the broadsheet’s Education editor should have spotted that missing information and called the DepEd to provide it, but this, too, wasn’t done.
The second problem in that second paragraph is the sloppy copyediting. Note that the word “implementation” in the phrase “has been participating in the Implementation of the Special Program for the Employment of Students (SPES)” has been capitalized, making it look like part of the name of the program, which,of course, it isn’t.
2. Second paragraphThe second sentence of the second paragraph similarly shows telltale signs of sloppy editing—the missing article “the” before “minimum daily wage” in the clause “Those qualified and selected will be employed for 40 days and will be paid minimum daily wage.” The statement reads badly and looks like a paraplegic without that article. Then, of course, the decimal figure for “P1.6752 million” is a strange, clueless violation of all the journalism stylebook prescriptions I know; it should either be rounded off to P1.67 million or spelled out as P1,675,200.
3. Third paragraphBut it’s in the third paragraph that the story’s bad grammar begins to unravel precipitously. The serial enumeration in that sentence is confusingly unparallel, looking every bit like a badly patched-up job.
Let’s take a look at that sentence again (I have numbered the serial elements in the sentence for instructive purposes):
“To qualify, interested applicants must
(1) at least be 15 but not more than 25 years old,
(2) combined annual net income after tax of both parents does not exceed P36,000, passed all the subjects enrolled during SY 2009-2010, or
(3) if out-of-school youth, during the last school year/semester of attendance preferably with high grades and
(4) possess skills necessary in office setting.”
That sentence shows that the press release writer is clueless about parallelism, which is a very important rule in English sentence construction. Recall now that for clarity and cohesion in English composition, serial or enumerative sentence elements should always use the same grammatical pattern all throughout, whether as (a) all noun forms, (b) all gerund forms or verb forms ending in “-ing”), (c) all infinitive forms or verb stems preceded by “to,” (d) all verb forms, or (e) all in the other consistent forms for related or similar ideas.
In the serial enumeration of the press release, note that Items 1, 2, 3, and 4 are unparallel because they are grammatical forms of different kinds: Item 1 is a verb phrase, Item 2 a clause, Item 3 a prepositional phrase, and Item 4 a verb phrase. The result is grammatical bedlam—a sentence that doesn’t jell but also reads very badly.
The writer can actually use any parallel grammatical form of his or her choice for that sentence, but for simplicity, I would recommend an all-verb-phrase parallel sequence, as follows:
“To qualify, interested applicants must
(1) be at least 15 but not more than 25 years old,
(2) have parents whose combined annual net income after tax does not exceed P36,000,
(3) have passed all the subjects he or she had enrolled in during SY 2009-2010 or, if an out-of-school youth, preferably
have obtained high grades during the last school year/semester of attendance, and
(4) have skills necessary in the office setting.”
This time, each of the four grammatical elements is a verb phrase: Item 1 with “be” as the operative verb, Item 2 with “have,” Item 3 with “have passed” and “have obtained,” and Item with “have skills.” We can test if these elements are parallel by reading them singly in tandem with the introductory phrase “To qualify, interested applicants must…” I think you’ll find that each reads very well singly, and also when read as a whole—incontrovertible proof that they are indeed in perfect parallel sequence now.
In the fourth paragraph, the one-word “everyday” should be the two-word “every day.” The one-word version means “encountered or used routinely or typically,” as in “everyday clothes”; in contrast, the two-word version means daily.
So here now is that entire problematic passage as straightened out:
“MANILA, Philippines - For
x years now, the Department of Education Central Office in Pasig City
has been participating in the Special Program for the Employment of Students (SPES) led by the Department of Labor and Employment (DOLE).
This year, DepEd is stepping up its participation in the SPES by allocating
P1.67 million for 150 poor but deserving out-of-school youth who may want to continue their studies.
Those qualified and selected will be employed for 40 days and will be paid the minimum daily wage, 60 percent of which will be shouldered by DepEd and the remaining 40 percent by DOLE.
“To qualify, interested applicants must
(1) be at least 15 but not more than 25 years old,
(2) have parents whose combined annual net income after tax does not exceed P36,000,
(3) have passed all the subjects he or she had enrolled in during SY 2009-2010 or, if an out-of-school youth, preferably
have obtained high grades during the last school year/semester of attendance, and
(4) have skills necessary in the office setting.
“
Interested students may apply during office hours until March 26, 2010 at the DepEd-Center for Students and Co-Curricular Affairs (CSCA) every day except Sundays.
Applicants will be scheduled for interview immediately after submission of the complete requirements.
“
Further details may be obtained by calling the CSCA c/o Executive Director Joey Pelaez at Tel. 6318495 or 6363603.”
(
2) Philippine Star: Convoluted sentence, wrong choice of verb (Internet edition)Masteral degree in sight for Smart mentors MANILA, Philippines - Twelve public high school teachers recently defended their thesis as required to complete the Smart Mentors program of Smart Communications, Inc. (SMART) and earn a Master of Arts degree in Instructional Design and Technology.
The teachers form part of the second batch of 25 scholars under the Smart Mentors Program. The rest are scheduled to undergo their thesis defense within the month.
The passage above also looks every bit like a not-so-well-written press release that was published without judicious editing.
The first sentence is so highly convoluted that it looks like someone very awkwardly and unsteadily walking on stilts. Indeed, by the time we reach the phrase “earn a Master of Arts degree…”, it becomes so difficult to figure out who earned that degree—SMART or the 12 public high school teachers.
In the second sentence of the second paragraph, on the other hand, the verb “undergo” is evidently a wrong word choice. It is the teachers themselves who will do the thesis defense, so it’s semantically incorrect to say that they will “undergo their thesis defense.” They will be doing the action themselves, so the correct verb phrase to use is “defend their thesis,” not “undergo their thesis defense.”
Here then is my suggested rewrite of that problematic press release passage:
“MANILA, Philippines - Twelve public high school teachers recently
earned their Master of Arts degree in Instructional Design and Technology after successfully defending their thesis to complete the requirements of the Smart Mentors program of Smart Communications, Inc. (SMART).
“The teachers form part of the second batch of 25 scholars under the Smart Mentors Program.
The rest are scheduled to defend their thesis within the month.”
(3) Philippine Star: Hodgepodge of grammar and semantic errors (Internet edition)Low-cost travel made more meaningful through teaching MANILA, Philippines - For those who want to take their next budget-friendly adventure to a different level, Cebu Pacific (CEB) — the country’s number one domestic carrier — shares a suggestion that can help turn one’s next trip into something more than usual.
Teaching English abroad has become a lucrative move for many young English-speaking travelers. It allows them to immerse in new cultures while earning some money, too. Among these travelers, South Korea, Japan and China are the most popular choices, having many citizens who can afford to pay good money to become more globally competitive by mastering English.
In the first sentence of the above passage (obviously from another badly written and badly edited press release), the phrase “shares a suggestion” doesn’t accurately capture the intent of the sentence; it should be “gives a suggestion” or “makes a suggestion” instead. And the last phrase of that sentence, “turn one’s next trip into something more than usual,” is vague and uninformative; perhaps it would be better stated as “make one’s next trip more productive and memorable” in keeping with the spirit of the rest of the story.
The second sentence of the second paragraph is grammatically incorrect: “
It allows them to immerse in new cultures while earning some money, too.” The verb “immerse” here is in the reflexive form, meaning that it constitutes an action directed back on the agent or the grammatical subject. Since the agent here is “them,” the verb “immerse” should be immediately followed by the reflexive pronoun “themselves.”
The third paragraph, too, is bedeviled by a wrong choice of preposition and a wrong object of the preposition:
“
Among these travelers, South Korea, Japan and China are the most popular choices, having many citizens
who can afford to pay good money to become more globally competitive by mastering English.”
The use of the preposition “among” gives the wrong impression that “South Korea, Japan, and China” are the travelers being described; that preposition should be “for” instead to make the prepositional phrase “among these travelers” correctly modify the noun phrase “the most popular choices.” And finally, in the last underlined phrase above, the citizens are paying good money not “to become more globally competitive by mastering English” but “to master English to become more globally competitive.” Those are two entirely different things.
So here’s that passage as cured of its grammatical and semantic maladies:
MANILA, Philippines - For those who want to take their next budget-friendly adventure to a different level, Cebu Pacific (CEB) — the country’s number one domestic carrier —
gives a suggestion that can help
make one’s next trip more productive and memorable.”
Teaching English abroad has become a lucrative move for many young English-speaking travelers.
It allows them to immerse themselves in new cultures while earning some money, too.
For these travelers, South Korea, Japan and China are the most popular choices, having many citizens
who can afford to pay good money to master English to become more globally competitive.”
(4) Philippine Star: Wrong emphasis in a story for a major award (Internet edition)Filipina scientist receives 12th L'Oréal-UNESCO award MANILA, Philippines - The 12th L’Oréal-UNESCO “For Women in Science Program” recognizes a Filipina scientist, Professor Lourdes Cruz with a prestigious award.
The 12th L’Oréal-UNESCO “For Women in Science” Awards ceremony was held at the UNESCO headquarters to honor five exceptional women scientists, including our very own, Professor Lourdes Cruz of University of the Philippines-Diliman as the awardee for Asia-Pacific. The five Laureates, one from each continent, were recognized for the quality of their research and strength of their commitment. These women illustrate the determination of the L’Oréal Foundation and UNESCO to shed light on exceptional women in science who are helping to change the world.
The story above—obviously another badly written press release—has obscured the name of the Filipina awardee in a repeating maze of proper names identifying the givers of the award, thus giving her less prominence and less importance than she deserves. This treatment of the story would have been understandable if the press release was issued by the awards givers themselves to talk about themselves, but this is shown to be not the case by the rest of the story. Indeed, the insertion of the phrase “including our very own” in the second paragraph clearly indicates that some editorial intervention on the part of the section editor had already been brought to bear on the release. How unfortunate that the section editor had not taken the initiative to rewrite the lead of the story to give the awardee the prominence that she deserved!
I will now try to do that with this rewrite of that problematic passage:
“MANILA, Philippines – A Filipina scientist, Professor Lourdes J. Cruz of the University of the Philippines-Diliman, was named the awardee for Asia-Pacific in the recently concluded selections for the 12th L’Oréal-UNESCO “For Women in Science Program.” She was honored along with four other exceptional women scientists—one from each continent—for the quality of their research and the strength of their commitment.
“Prof. Cruz was honored for the discovery of conotoxins produced by certain marine snails. The conotoxins can serve as painkillers—a primary substitute to morphine—and can be used for pharmaceutical probes to study brain function.
“The selection of the five women is part of the efforts of the L’Oréal Foundation and UNESCO to shed light on exceptional women in science who are helping to change the world…”
