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Author Topic: Contributed jokes from all over to brighten up your day  (Read 232 times)
Joe Carillo
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« on: February 01, 2017, 10:13:07 AM »

Contributed Jokes from All Over to Brighten Up Your Day



Something’s wrong with her computer

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

***

A woman gets a diagnosis

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled “Oww!” She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

***

The mesmerized husband

A wife and her husband have gone to see an exhibition of paintings. So there was one painting, and in it was a girl who was only wearing some leaves on her chest.

The husband was looking at the painting with an open mouth while the wife saw the whole exhibition and came back to him and asked, “Are you going home or waiting for the wind to blow?”

***

Too many boyfriends to count

A newlywed couple were talking. Husband: “How many boyfriends did you have before marrying me?”

When his wife wasn’t answering, he said: “Don’t want to tell?”

Wife: “I’m still counting!!”

***

Wife control over her husband

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

***

The way condoms she thought are made

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” she replied.

Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well. I tried,” he thought.

Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“I was just picturing how condoms are made!” she said.

***

Two parachutes for four people

There were four people in a private plane: a captain, a priest, a boy scout, and the smartest man in the world. Suddenly they heard an explosion. The pilot realized that the engine had exploded so he announced, “Dear passengers, I’m afraid that there’s a technical problem in the engine. The plane’s gonna crash. Grab a parachute and jump!”

The pilot then grabbed one of the only two parachutes he saw and jumped off. The smartest man in the world said, “I need that parachute, the world needs my knowledge,” and jumped off after the pilot to get it.

The priest told the Boy Scout, “Boy, you take that last parachute, the world doesn’t need me, I am just an old priest.”

The Boy Scout said, “No, what are you talking about? There are still two parachutes left.”

“What?” the priest exclaimed.

“The smartest man in the world took my backpack.” the Boy Scout said.

***

The ever efficient medical assistant does a terrific job

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant and told him: “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow.  I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and, returning the following day, asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol,” he said.

“Bravo! And the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re really good at this. And what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lay down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: Help me! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes,” Seamus said matter-of-factly.

—From the AcademicsTips.org website

« Last Edit: February 01, 2017, 10:29:48 AM by Joe Carillo » Logged

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