Author Topic: 20 of the Best British Jokes  (Read 3611 times)

Joe Carillo

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20 of the Best British Jokes
« on: April 04, 2015, 11:33:10 PM »
20 of the Best British Jokes

The British—surprise! surprise!—can also tell English jokes.

Below is our selection of 20 of the best British jokes from over 1,000 collected by OnePoll.com from the Internet for popular ranking. No offense intended, but they prove without any doubt that contrary to a widely held canard about the British, they do have a sense of humor like the rest of us. It’s just that their jokes are of a different wavelength of funny from the ones we usually read or hear.

So here’s the selection of 20 of their best jokes for you to check out and enjoy:



1. “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”


2. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

3. “I went to the doctor the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.”

4. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one—and let the other one off.

5. “I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

6. “My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.”

7. “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

8. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband.”  

9. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

10. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him “Juan.” Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”  

11. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”  

12. “I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

13. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says “How do you drive this thing?”

14. “I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.”

15. A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blond responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”

16. “The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ‘Did you get my drift?’”

17. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

18. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish—but the reception was brilliant.

19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”

20. Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi—get out! We don’t want your type in here.”


—From “Tommy Cooper dominates list of best jokes” in The Telegraph UK
 
« Last Edit: September 14, 2018, 07:52:22 AM by Joe Carillo »