Author Topic: 26 Funny Sayings & Witty Puns  (Read 5822 times)

Joe Carillo

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26 Funny Sayings & Witty Puns
« on: December 08, 2013, 12:30:12 AM »
No matter how trying or irksome your day has gone by far, perk it up with these 26 funny sayings and witty puns, and maybe you can wrap up the day with a grin and curl up at night with a smile in your face.

FUNNY SAYINGS:

“Every day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.”



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“The pun is mightier than the word.”

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“The road to success is always under construction.”—Lily Tomlin

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“All my life I’ve always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more specific.”—Jane Wagner

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“I worry that whoever thought up the term ‘quality control’ thought if we didn’t control it, it would get out of hand.”

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“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president. I’m beginning to believe it.”

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“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.”

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“I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer.”—Pat Sajak

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“The only power you have is the word ‘no’.”—Frances McDormand

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“Art doesn’t transform. It just plain forms.”—Roy Lichtenstein

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“Attempt to get a new car for your spouse—it’ll be a great trade.”

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“Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.”

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“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience... well, that comes from poor judgment.”

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Answering machine message: “You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”

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“Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.”

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“There is always light at the end of the tunnel—if there isn’t, it’s not a tunnel...”

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“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

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“A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person (Pay attention, this one never fails—although the reverse conclusion is not always true).”

WITTY PUNS:

“I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried—but they wanted cash.”

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“Why can’t you play cards on a small boat? Because someone is always sitting on the deck.”
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“Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

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“Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. (Socks can eat any place they want.)”

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“Car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment.”

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“Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me?”

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“That that is, is, that that is not, is not. (Try understanding that without the commas set.)”

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“My favorite bumper sticker says: ‘All generalizations are false’.”


—From the English Language Smart Words website
« Last Edit: April 25, 2019, 03:11:44 PM by Joe Carillo »