32 Quotes with a Humorous Touch

[Joe Carillo]

32 Quotes with a Humorous Touch

“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.”
—Phil Pastoret

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“Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.”
—Garry Trudeau

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“Have no fear of perfection—you’ll never reach it.”
—Salvador Dali

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“I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”
—Jim Morrison

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“I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.”
—Gilda Radner

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“Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you’ll be disconnected.”
—Unknown

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“No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.”
—H.L. Mencken

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“Okay, so God made man first, but doesn’t everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?”
—Courtney Huston

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“Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up.”
—Unknown

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“English is a funny language—that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway.”
—Mark Grasso

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“One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.”
—Jonathan Fuerbringer

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“Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.”
—George Carlin

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“Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.”
—Terry Marchal

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“Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure.”
—Michael Levine

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“A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.”
—Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

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“You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something.”
—H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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“Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.”
—Al Bernstein

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“We all basically go back to being children in the dentist’s chair.”
—Arthur Benjamin

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“Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.”
—Robert Newton Peck

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“School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone.”
—Ashley Salvati

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“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”
—Scott Adams

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“Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.”
—Chuck Norris

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“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”
—Sam Ewing

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“Children are the most expensive form of entertainment.”
—Mihaela Iosof

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“A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.”
—Bill Cosby

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“The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.”
—Tommy Bolt

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“The man who can’t dance thinks the band is no good.”
—Polish Proverb

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“The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.”
—”Smile” Zingers

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“Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.”
—Laurence J. Peter

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“Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way.”
—Franklin P. Jones

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“It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.”
—Franklin P. Jones

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“A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely.”
—Lubna Azmi

—From Amanda’s Quotes and Poetry