Improper word choices, overwriting mar some TV network online news

[Joe Carillo]

On the suggestion of a news executive of one of the Philippine TV networks, My Media English Watch now also covers the online news websites of the two majors, GMA TV News and ABS-CBN News. So, starting this week’s edition of the Forum, I’ll also do critiques of their English grammar and usage alongside that of the four major Metro Manila broadsheets, namely the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star, Manila Bulletin, and The Manila Times.

For those not very familiar with how my media English watch operates, I would like to emphasize that I’m only on the lookout for instructive grammar and usage errors in news and feature reporting. I would like to make it clear that the faulty English I find in the media outlets covered by my watch is generally not reflective of the overall quality of their English or of their journalism. We can take it as a given that most of the daily written output of these media outlets are written in grammatically and semantically good English. Indeed, their grammar and usage errors are just flies in the ointment, so to speak, and I critique them simply as an opportunity for helping particular media outlets avoid them the next time around, and, of course, also as a learning opportunity for Forum members and others interested in continuously improving their English.

So let’s see now what I found during my initial sorties into the online websites of the two major Philippine TV networks:

(1) GMA News: Improper word choices

NEDA chief: ‘Bright future’ for maritime studies graduates

April 21, 2011—Despite the problems that plague the maritime industry, a Cabinet official has promised a “bright future" for the graduates of Philippine maritime studies as the industry embodies a promising outlook.

In his speech early this week at the Asian Institute of Maritime Studies’ graduation ceremonies, National Economic and Development Authority (NEDA) director-general Cayetano Paderanga Jr. told graduates the country’s economic gains in 2010 will fortify the maritime sector this year, which in turn will widen their opportunities.

In the lead sentence above, the verb “promised” in the phrase “a cabinet official has promised a ‘bright future’” and of the verb “embodies” in the phrase “as the industry embodies a promising outlook” are improper word choices.

No responsible and right-thinking government official will categorically promise a bright future for graduates of any course no matter how promising its outlook, for there simply are too many imponderables about the future and about the prospects of individual graduates. I therefore suspect that the NEDA director-general, who is not a politician as far as I can gather, had simply made a wrong word choice here or had been misquoted by the TV reporter. Instead of “promised,” the more circumspect verb “expects” or the verb phrase “looks forward to” is called for in that sentence.     

In the case of “embodies,” which means “gives body to” or “personifies,” it’s an overly strong and overemphatic word choice that makes the phrase “as the industry embodies a promising outlook” not only an awkward but grammatically faulty overstatement. The word “has” would have done much better in that phrase: “as the industry has a promising outlook.”

See how sensible that lead sentence would have read and sounded with those replacement word choices:

“Despite the problems that plague the maritime industry, a Cabinet official expects a ‘bright future’ for the graduates of Philippine maritime studies as the industry has a promising outlook.”

Here’s an even smoother, more grammatically impeccable version with the second problematic phrase totally reworded:

“Despite the problems that plague the maritime industry, a Cabinet official expects a ‘bright future’ for the graduates of Philippine maritime studies because of the industry’s promising outlook.”

(2) GMA News: Overwriting and wordiness

Post-Holy Week fun in the mountains of Inang Bayan

April 19, 2011—City dwellers and traipsing tourists who are seeking release from metro Manila's clogged confines would be well-advised to be aware that the true pulse of the Philippine islands may be found in her seas and highlands.

This writer’s suggestion for those choked with a surfeit of urban life and in search of an alternative to the country’s beaches: seek soul solace in the pulse of Inang Bayan’s mountains. From Easter to late April, they will find a whole slew of wonderful things to do north of Manila.

The two-paragraph lead above reeks with overwriting, wordiness, and fancy words and phrasing (“would be well-advised to be aware of,” “traipsing,” “true pulse,” “surfeit of urban life,” “a whole slew of wonderful things”). The news anchor who read that news feature on TV must have badly stumbled enunciating all those highfalutin words and phraseology.

In particular, “would be well-advised to be aware of” could have been said more concisely and precisely as “you’ll find”; “traipse,” a needless word, could have been eliminated altogether; and the phrase “surfeit of urban life” would have done better as plain “urban life” without “surfeit.” Worse yet, “a whole slew of wonderful things” is a grammatically anomalous phrase that misuses the adjective “whole” to modify “slew,” which is a noun that means “a large number.” It’s obviously grammatically improper to say “a whole large number of wonderful things,” so it’s clear that “whole” shouldn’t be used to modify “slew.” Indeed, “slew” can stand very well all by itself in that phrase: “a slew of wonderful things.”

So here’s how that two-paragraph passage might have looked shorn of its needless grammatical baggage:

Post-Holy Week fun in the mountains of Inang Bayan

April 19, 2011—City dwellers and tourists seeking release from Metro Manila’s suffocating confines will find a much welcome respite in the country’s highlands.

This writer’s suggestion: rather than hie off to some beach, go up instead to Inang Bayan’s mountains north of Manila. You’ll find a slew of wonderful things to do there from Easter to late April.

(58 words against the original 90 words)

(3) ABS-CBN News:  Use of wrong conjunction
 

2 drowned in Oriental Mindoro river

MANILA, Philippines – Tragedy struck on Holy Thursday as two people drowned and another one went missing in a river in Oriental Mindoro.

The bodies of two of the victims have been retrieved and identified as Jemelyn Zoleta and Abegael Dimaano. Rescuers have yet to locate Dimaano’s father Efren.

Because of its use of the wrong coordinating conjunction “as,” the first sentence of the lead passage above erroneously conveys the misleading sense that the tragedy that struck on Holy Thursday was separate and distinct from the drownings in Oriental Mindoro. The fact is that the tragedy and the drownings are one and the same incident, a situation that would have been correctly and clearly conveyed had the subordinating conjunction “when” been used instead. Indeed, structurally, the sentence shouldn’t be a compound sentence but a complex one, with “tragedy struck on Holy Thursday” as the main clause and “two people drowned and another one went missing in a river in Oriental Mindoro” as the subordinate or dependent clause linked to the main clause by the subordinating conjunction “when.”

The second sentence of the lead passage is likewise grammatically faulty, for it yields the wrong sense that it was the bodies rather than the drowned victims who were identified. This is the result of the wrong positioning of the names of the drowned victims in that sentence, making those names modify the subject “bodies” instead of “victims.”

Here’s a rewrite of that lead passage that corrects all of the grammatical problems described above:

2 drowned in Oriental Mindoro river

MANILA, Philippines – Tragedy struck on Holy Thursday when two people drowned and another one went missing in a river in Oriental Mindoro.

The bodies of two of the victims, Jemelyn Zoleta and Abegael Dimaano, have been retrieved and identified. Rescuers have yet to locate Dimaano’s father Efren.

SHORT TAKES IN MY MEDIA ENGLISH WATCH (PRINT MEDIA):

(1) Manila Bulletin: Faulty sentence construction

Yellow corn plantations up in Agusan

BUTUAN CITY, Philippines – The agriculture sector in the province of Agusan del Norte is expected to get a big boost after new Korean investors are set to start develop a large yellow corn plantation in the area.

The New Philcorn Corporation led by its chairman Cheong Sun Young and president Frances Ramirez Alcaraz had already signed a Memorandum of Agreement (MoA) as co-management developer with the provincial government of Agusan del Norte under Gov. Erlpe John M. Amante in various agricultural lands in the municipalities of Las Nieves, Buenavista, Nasipit, and Carmen.

The lead sentence above conveys a wrong sense of causality because it uses the wrong subordinating conjunction “after” to link the main clause “the agriculture sector in the province of Agusan del Norte is expected to get a big boost” and the subordinate clause “new Korean investors are set to start develop a large yellow corn plantation in the area.” The proper subordinating conjunction to use in that sentence is “when,” which will clearly indicate that the action in the main clause is the result of the action in the subordinate clause. Also, since the phrase “are set to start” only serves to ruin the logic of the statement, it has to be dropped from the sentence altogether.

Here’s that lead sentence as reconstructed to yield the correct logic:

“BUTUAN CITY, Philippines – The agriculture sector in the province of Agusan del Norte is expected to get a big boost when new Korean investors start their projected development of a large yellow corn plantation in the area.”

(2) Philippine Star: Subject-verb disagreement error

‘Crucifixion during Holy Week a tradition gone astray’
 
MANILA, Philippines - Pampanga Archbishop Paciano Aniceto yesterday said the tradition of some people to be crucified as a demonstration of their sacrifice during Holy Week is one of the Filipino practices that has “gone astray.”

“This tradition or Lenten practices are age-long practices and you cannot just renew or transform them. The Church asks you to deny yourself through mortification, prayer and sacrifice. So it is more of self control rather than physical infliction on our body. The body is the temple of God. It is something sacred and it is a gift of God,” he added.

In the lead sentence above, the correct operative subject of the verb phrase “one of the Filipino practices that has ‘gone astray’” is the plural “Filipino practices,” not the singular extended noun phrase “the tradition of some people to be crucified as a demonstration of their sacrifice during Holy Week.” The correct form of that verb phrase is therefore the plural “have ‘gone astray’,” not “has ‘gone astray’.”

So here’s that lead sentence as corrected:

MANILA, Philippines - Pampanga Archbishop Paciano Aniceto yesterday said the tradition of some people to be crucified as a demonstration of their sacrifice during Holy Week is one of the Filipino practices that have “gone astray.”

   

To avoid subject-disagreement errors, it’s  very important to check the logic of a sentence rather than just rely on the proximity of the operative verb to several possible subjects or doers of the action.

(3) Philippine Star: Faulty phrasing that conveys the wrong logic

‘Senaculo’ still lives on in Bulacan after 91 years
 
HAGONOY, Bulacan, Philippines – Despite budget constraints and the proliferation of highly budgeted movies, community theaters depicting the passion of Jesus Christ known as the senaculo still thrive in this town for 91 years now.

Elsewhere in the province, similar community theater presentations are shown every night before younger audiences.

In the lead sentence above, the phrase “still thrive in this town for 91 years now” conveys the wrong logic to the sense intended by the statement. The phrasing that will yield the correct and logical sense is “still thrive in this town even after 91 years,” as follows:

“HAGONOY, Bulacan, Philippines – Despite budget constraints and the proliferation of highly budgeted movies, community theaters depicting the passion of Jesus Christ known as the senaculo still thrive in this town even after 91 years.” 

(4) Philippine Star: Seriously convoluted and confusing feature writing

Downpour of knowledge this summer
 
MANILA, Philippines - For kids, the heat of summer finally saying its greetings can only mean one thing: School work is out as ideas to fill the days with fun and play are finally in!

Studies show that most students experience learning losses during summer vacation. Because of the never-ending ways of finding amusement and the notion that everything else less fun can be put off until later, studying is almost always at the end of children’s to-do list. There’s nothing wrong with having two months’ worth of endless fun if the next 10 months of school are not going to suffer. But the bad news is that it never happens that way.

As you can see, the two lead paragraphs above—they are from a press release that evidently saw print without being edited—border on incoherence because of the seriously convoluted and confusing feature writing. This time, as a grammar and editing exercise, I am inviting Forum members to critique this problematic passage and to come up with an improved version. Please send your revision by e-mail to j8carillo@yahoo.com. I’ll post the best three revisions in the next edition of the Forum.

[Joe Carillo]

E-mailed response to the above critique from Miss Mae, Forum member (April 28, 2011):

Dear Mr. Carillo,

You had pointed out the “seriously convoluted and confusing feature writing” of article below in the Philippine Star. I wonder if I had seen it in the same light.

Downpour of knowledge this summer
 
MANILA, Philippines - For kids, the heat of summer finally saying its greetings can only mean one thing: School work is out as ideas to fill the days with fun and play are finally in!

Studies show that most students experience learning losses during summer vacation. Because of the never-ending ways of finding amusement and the notion that everything else less fun can be put off until later, studying is almost always at the end of children’s to-do list. There’s nothing wrong with having two months’ worth of endless fun if the next 10 months of school are not going to suffer. But the bad news is that it never happens that way.

The answer is to let them experience the Kumon method. Open even during the summer season, it helps students to get prepared for the school year ahead.

Well, it’s pretty unfair to claim that “the heat of the summer finally saying its greetings can only mean one thing.” There would always be students who, for one reason or another, cherish going to school. Summer also isn’t the only time one could come up with “ideas to fill the days with fun and play.” Being in school or doing schoolwork does not debase that either.
 
(The PAG-ASA had also forecast a rainy summer this year. I doubt that it would stop a school year from ending or for the other season in our country from coming.)
 
The second paragraph, on the other hand, made claims that it neither confirmed nor verified. Readers may want to know when those studies showing “most students experience learning losses during summer vacation” were conducted, who did those studies, where were those studies done, and why could those studies be also true with the Filipino youth. It just went on to say that “studying is almost always at the end of children’s to-do list during summer” with finality. What could be bringing the bad news is also unclear.

Respectfully,
Miss Mae

MY COMMENTS ON MISS MAE’S CRITIQUE:

You definitely saw the problems with that feature story passage from a different light, but your comments about the logic and truthfulness of its statements are perfectly valid.

To begin with, you are correct in saying that “it’s pretty unfair to claim that ‘the heat of the summer finally saying its greetings can only mean one thing’.” In fact, that claim is not only “pretty unfair” but grossly inaccurate. It is, to be frank about it, an unsupportable generalization, for the advent of summer can actually mean so many things other than just being the end of school work: special summer courses for kids like, say, art classes, basketball and swimming clinics, etc. And, yes, as you pointed out, “Summer also isn’t the only time one could come up with ‘ideas to fill the days with fun and play’.” Kids come up with those “fun and play” ideas at various other times during the year, so summer definitely doesn’t have a monopoly of them.

Your comments about the uncomfirmable and unverifiable claims in the second paragraph of that passage are also right on target. In particular, this statement, “Studies show that most students experience learning losses during summer vacation,” is a specimen of what’s known in language as verbal fallacy, an unfounded statement that arises not so much from faulty logical thinking but from a lack of clarity in language. That statement can also be considered as an unsubstantiated appeal to authority (ad verecundiam), a fallacy that arises from using an unspecified or unidentified authority (in in this case, “studies” by unnamed quarters) to buttress the legitimacy of a statement without proof. What makes it worse in this case is that it’s common knowledge that “most students experience learning losses during summer vacation,” so what’s the use of the appeal to some unknown authority to make that obviously true statement credible? 

But in contrast to your viewpoint, Miss Mae, I would like to critique the first paragraph of that passage not so much from the standpoint of logic but from the standpoint of grammar and clarity of exposition. I am particularly disturbed by its use of gaudily loose personification (“the heat of summer finally saying its greetings” for what can be simply be said as “summer is here”) and a horribly mixed up and semantically obtuse run-on sentence (“School work is out as ideas to fill the days with fun and play are finally in!”, which, of course, can be more simply and clearly stated as, say, “the end of schoolwork and the beginning of endless fun and play”).

As to the second paragraph of that passage, I would like observe that it’s a highly roundabout way of elaborating what needs no elaboration whatsoever because it’s already self-evident to everyone who knows what usually happens to kids in summer: endless playing and a cessation of learning for a whole two months. From the standpoint of a copyeditor, I would call that entire paragraph a needless, ill-advised attempt to complexify the obvious and simple.

Indeed, if I were that paper’s copyeditor, I’d boil down that highly convoluted three-paragraph passage as follows:

Downpour of knowledge this summer

MANILA, Philippines - For kids, summer is finally here—a time to say goodbye to school work and to say hello to endless fun and play.

But summer need not mean the end of learning for kids. Aside from just having two months of endless fun, they could also get themselves better prepared for the school year ahead.

This is the alternative summer experience that the Kumon method promises for them…

I really wish that the editors of the major Metro Manila broadsheets would institute higher quality standards for press releases they print on their pages!