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Author Topic: Top 100 Funniest One-liners  (Read 1078 times)
Joe Carillo
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« on: February 27, 2011, 12:54:31 PM »

Top 100 Funniest One-liners



1 - I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2 - Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3 - I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4 - The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

5 - Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

6 - Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7 - We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8 - Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

9 - We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

10 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

11 - Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

12 - War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

13 -  If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

14 - The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

15 - Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

16 - Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

17 - If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

18 - Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

19 - Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

20 - A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

21 - My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

22 - I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

23 - If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

24 - I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

25 - If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

26 - Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

27 - If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

28 - Some people are like Slinkies… they’re not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

29 - How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

30 - Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

31 - A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

32 - Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

33 - Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

34 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

35 - A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

36 - I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

37 - Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

38 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

39 - The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

40 - Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

41 - Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

42 - Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

43 - The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

44 - Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.” What’s my mother going to do?

45 - He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

46 - The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.

47 - I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

48 - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

49 - God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.

50 - Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

51 - The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

52 - Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.

53 - Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

54 - Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

55 - My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

56 - Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them.” I say, “If you can’t beat them, beat them,” because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

57 - Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

58 - It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

59 - Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

60 - Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

61 - You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

62 - Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

63 - I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

64 - A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

65 - My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

66 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

67 - Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

68 - A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

69 - We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

70 - You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

71 - I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

72 - A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

73 - With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

74 - Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

75 - Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

76 - There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so he or she can’t get away.

77 - I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

78 - Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

79 - Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

80 - I always take life with a grain of salt…plus a slice of lemon…and a shot of tequila.

81 - If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

82 - I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

83 - When in doubt, mumble.

84 - I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

85 - To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

86 - Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

87 - A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

88 - A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

89 - Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

90 - I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

91 - Some people hear voices… Some see invisible people… Others have no imagination whatsoever.

92 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

93 - When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

94 - Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

95 - Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

96 - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

97 - If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?

98 - If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

99 - If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

100 - Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.


—From the Encyclopedia of Humor
 
 
  
« Last Edit: January 21, 2018, 01:22:51 AM by Joe Carillo » Logged

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